Monthly Archives: July 2018

Letter to Savannah 7/28/18

My Little Savannah,

This may be the last letter I write to from this house. It is Saturday night, and I have one or two nights more before I officially move. Have no fear, I will have a nice place for us by the time you get to visit me again. Your Daddy is working toward us having a nice time whenever we are together, and soon you will have a room all your own that we can decorate together. I look forward to us being able to draw and paint and work on letters and maybe even getting you to sing.
I think of you all the time, even though I have been working many hours, and packing the rest of the time. All the while it makes me sad, because I liked the house your Mommy and I had together so much. Even though we were only there for about five months, I have a lot of nice memories of us playing together there. Daddy’s bedroom opened to the living room and one of the bathrooms, and that bathroom also opened to the kitchen. I would chase you around the circle it made. You would laugh so hard, and I’d suddenly switch direction and catch you before spinning you around. Then the chase would start again. You would say ‘Daddy run!’ and that was my cue that the game was on… I loved playing with you at that house. One day soon, I will have a house at least as nice as that one.
I hope you have a fun weekend, and get to go somewhere to play. I hope your mommy took you to Sky Zone with the card I gave her. I was trying to be nice to you so you could have a good time with her, just like when I gave you an Easter basket this year. I still don’t know if you got it, but I hope you did, even though your Mommy had me arrested for it. I’ll explain that one day, probably when you are older and have discovered these letters, because you will be old enough to understand then, and you deserve to know the truth. I don’t lie, and I won’t lie to you, little one. I never lied to your Mommy either, because that is the kind of person I am. There are reasons for that, good ones, and I am happy that I was raised to believe in things like truth, and integrity, and being a good person. I’m going to do my best to pass those qualities on to you, because I believe that we as people should all strive to be the best person we can be. Because we are human, there are times where we fail, and I am no exception, but it is important that we try as best we can.
I miss you very much every day, and I am eager to see you again. I am not sure what we will do together next weekend, but I will make sure you have a great time. It makes me the happiest when you laugh and smile, and it always has. You are my angel, and I regret that your mommy wouldn’t let me give you a brother or sister. I think you would have loved them very much.
I will see you soon, little one.

Thinking of you always,

Love, Daddy

Letter to Savannah 7/25/18

My Little Savannah,

I have been missing you so very much these last few days. I have been looking at pictures I have of you, and of all of us together, to try and feel better. I wish I could tell you all the things that are going on, and how sad your Daddy really is inside. You are too young to understand, though, and even if you were old enough, I wouldn’t want you to know until much later. Your daddy loves you very much, and to your Daddy, love is the rarest, most precious emotion there is, and he hasn’t felt it for very many people, and they are all family to me, including your sisters, and your Mommy.
Looking at these pictures always stirs my heart, because there are memories attached to every one of them, and there are a lot of pictures. I have so many memories of you, of your Mommy, and of all of us together. To me, there were always more good times than bad, and I tried very hard to please both you and your Mommy. I worked hard, and even though I made some mistakes along the way, I was always trying to make you both happy, and would have done anything to keep us all together.
I wish I could tell you how much Daddy has been hurt, and maybe one day you will know, but I hope it’s not for a long time. I know my little girl – you are empathic like your Daddy, and if you knew, it would break your heart, and I just can’t do that to someone I love. I hope you never lose that trait; it can be a harder path in life, because your emotions are open, but you get to feel the good things so much stronger too. I think this is why I kept loving your mom, even when I found out that she had not loved me for a long time, or maybe ever. I think that’s why I still love her now, even when I know she would be mad if I said so…because when I did feel loved, it was the best feeling ever, and those memories, and being with you, were and are the happiest times. I know you can tell how much I love my little girl. I love being your Daddy, just as I did for Brianna and Katrina. Being your Dad is the absolute best part of my life. You make me very proud, and that feeling of pride just keeps getting stronger as I watch how fast you learn.
I know that as you get older, we may disagree..but inside, I will always love you, and know that your entry into this world gave my life a higher purpose, maybe the best purpose a man can have.
I hope you are having a great day, and that you are happy. I miss you very much, and wish I could be tucking you into bed, like Mommy and I used to do. I miss being able to come home to you every day. I hope you never feel what I have been made to feel. I hope you grow stronger than I have ever been, without giving up that capacity you have to experience such rich emotions. I hope they are all good ones, and that no one ever breaks your heart. I hope you are able to live a full, rich, rewarding, fun life, without having to wonder if someone loved you, and that you are rewarded for the love you give in turn. It’s all a father can hope for his daughter, in the end, what a true father would want for any child. I hope you grow up radiating light to all those who would receive it with genuine respect and honesty. I want these for you, little one, and I will do my utmost to be the best father I can, and help you attain those things.
I hope you have pleasant dreams tonight, and that you remember how much fun we had the last time you were here. I hope to make many more happy memories with you, and cannot wait for my next weekend.

Love, Daddy

Letter To Savannah 7/23/18

My Dear Little One,

I had so much fun being with you this weekend. You were a perfect angel the entire time. You have become so good at speaking, and I love talking to you and hearing your voice. You have a beautiful voice, and you even sang once for me. I think you are a wonderful singer, and I hope you enjoy doing it as much as I enjoy hearing it. I think you could get very good one day.
I’m sorry I had to take you back to the babysitter’s today. You grabbed the straps of your car seat and said “I want to stay in Daddy’s car. I want to go with Daddy.” You were crying, and even though I tried to explain to you that I didn’t want to, but had to, I don’t think you understood. I know you don’t understand what is going on right now, which was obvious when I picked you up on Friday, and you ran to me with “Daddy, you found me!” I know you are a creative, smart girl, and though you may find interesting ways of saying things sometimes, you do your best to say what you mean, and that tells me you don’t understand what has happened. That’s okay, little girl. I wouldn’t expect any child your age to understand everything that is going on, and all the reasons why. One day, all will come clear to you, and knowing that makes your Daddy very sad. I want you to know your Daddy did everything he could to keep our little house, and our family together. I do my best these days to keep myself together when I drop you off, but I can tell how much you like being with your dad, and I always end up struggling not to cry when you tell me you want to stay. Today will be a sad one for me, and every time I have to let you go, I cry very hard, and it is very hard to keep smiling so you won’t feel bad at having to leave.
You enjoyed our trips to the beach, as you always do, but it’s much harder taking you when there is only you and me, so I only have a few pictures of our day. I may end up closer to the water – we will see the next time you get to be with me. I think it would be nice to be able to walk to the beach and play, at least during the warmer months. Maybe, one day, we can even go to Daddy’s special beach spot where he first took Mommy, and we can have a tent for you to nap in like we used to do.
I am missing you so badly already. Coming home to you and Mommy was always the best part of my day, along with being able to play with you every day. I know sometimes I got tired, and your Daddy was trying to work toward finding a new job before we lost our house so I could have more time with you, and if things had not fallen apart with your Mommy and I, your life would be different by now. We would still be playing every day together, and Daddy would still be able to share so many of the moments I miss now.
It makes me very happy that you don’t care where we are as long as are together. I know it doesn’t matter where we live, as long as you can play with your Daddy. You surprised me this weekend with how good you are at puzzles. You picked out a paw patrol puzzle that was a panorama of 3 puzzles, and you put the 24 and 48 piece ones together so well! I’ll have more room the next time you visit, and we can build all three. Your ‘papers’ as you call them were fun to do as well, and it shows how creative you can be. You have a fun sense of humor, and I love how you laugh.
It breaks Daddy’s heart that I won’t be able to see you at the end of my day. It will be two whole weeks before I get to see you again. I wish things were different, little one. I wish I could be there to see all the changes, big and little, that you go through as you learn about the world. I love spending my time with you, and hope that we can go on many adventures together in the years to come. For now, I’ll just keep your toys out, and look at your pictures, and hope you are having a happy day.

I love you and I miss you so much.

Love, Daddy