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My Dearest Little One,
I am missing you today, as I do every day. I look at the pictures of you, your mommy, and us together just about every night, even though it hurts me deep inside, remembering how it used to be. I was so close to finally having things in our life go the way I had always wanted it to be, before your mother decided to tear apart our lives. I cannot describe the deep sadness and pain it causes me to know how hard I worked to keep us all together, just to have it pulled out from under me again. I try my best to stay happy around you during the short times that I get to see you, but it isn’t easy; your mother continues to harass me through the courts, attempting to say I broke a protection order that shouldn’t exist in the first place. I hope you never have to go through what I have been forced to go through – to be accused of being the exact opposite of what you are, of having to defend yourself against false accusations as part of someone else’s plan. It’s a terrible feeling, especially after going through so much to avoid those kinds of things in your life, or after having shared so many special times with someone, only to have them use everything against you.
I don’t know why your mommy hates me so much. Then again, I cannot imagine doing to anyone what she has done to me, or saying to someone the many things that she has said to me, the kind of things that you only ever share with those you love the most. It tears you apart inside in a way that is particularly intimate, gets down inside your soul deeper than you could imagine. What makes it even worse is that I never hurt your mommy. I loved her with all my heart, and would have done anything to keep her in that special place in my life.
I wish I had videos of our time together to show you, rather than just a few pictures. There were so many times that your mother seemed to be happy – she would cuddle with me, and make me laugh, and I would rub her back for hours every night, just so that I could touch her. Even now, months later, I can still remember exactly what her skin felt like, and I can’t think about any of those times without having to hold back tears. Your mother made my life magical, even though I had to work harder than I have had to for many years. Just seeing her smile would light up my day – I would feel strong whenever she was around, and being able to be there for you and her gave my life meaning.
Now, all I have to look forward to is the short time I get to spend with you, and it’s never enough. I am working even more hours now, and my weeks are longer than they have ever been before. I have no one to greet me when I get home, and just feel tired and sore and sad most days.
I wish I had been the right age for your mom. I wish I was younger, so that I could watch you grow up and become the incredible woman I know you will become. I wish I could make all the dreams you will have come true, and that I could help make your life a wonderful experience. I don’t know how long I will be able to be there for you. Your father has taken some hard knocks during his life; I have always done what my children needed of me, and this has resulted in your father being hurt more than once. I still, after sixteen years, feel the pain every day of the car accident that broke my back. It used to be much worse, but then I met your mother and started to heal – I had just started to get my full mobility back when she decided to leave, and for some reason, all the old aches and pains have come back. I feel worse now than I have in over ten years, and it worries me that I may not be around long enough to see you grow up. I hope I can, because my children are my greatest works of art. I’ll never create another masterpiece like you, little one, and I want to see you bloom into a wonderful human being.
I hope you are happy today. Your father misses you so much. I miss the way things used to be, and am saddened that I will never know how good things could have been. I wish I could have spared you all the stress and sadness of coming from a broken family. Your mother promised that if we had a baby, that we would raise it together in love, that we would not have you raised like we were raised, without both parents together. I did my best to keep that promise, little one, and it breaks my heart that your mother could not keep any of hers.
I can’t wait to see you this weekend. I love you, little angel, and will do my best to see you have a good weekend with me.
My Dear Little Savannah,
I dropped you off at the babysitter’s 3 hours ago, and I’m still shaking and crying at work. As usual, you did not want our time together to end. You cried and did your best to get me to let you back in my truck, and it took all my strength not to break down in front of you. I know how much you care about my feelings – you never like to see me upset, and I just couldn’t burden you with how badly it hurts to let you go. I am crying even now, as I write this, because I miss every single second I am away from you. You will only be my little girl for a short time, and because of your mother’s selfishness, I get even less time with you now than I used to, and soon all I will have are the memories of our times together, and then I will be truly alone. Making you and your Mommy happy were all I had, and it was taken from both of us, along with our little house, your room with your letters above your bed, and I can’t describe how much it hurts not only to have to take you back knowing I won’t see you for another two weeks, but to have to drive by where we used to live every time. We had such a nice little place, and you were the happiest I’ve ever seen you there. I wish I could have saved us as a family. I did everything I possibly could to make your mother happy, but she never wanted to be happy with us. I don’t know how anyone could hurt another person the way she has hurt me over the years. All I ever really wanted in life was to have some time together as a family, to get the things I see other people have every day. I wanted to work at home so I could be with you both as much as possible, and had your mother ever cared, if she had ever wanted any of the things I wanted for us, then she would have actually spent some time caring for you, and helping me achieve what would have been a wonderful life for all of us.
It also hurts knowing that one day, you will learn about all the things that have happened – how your mother was cheating on me right after we met, how she cheated on me time and time again, how I forgave her every time with the hope that we could stay together, how she lied and said I attacked her so that she could keep me away from you, and how you would have had a brother or sister if she had not forced herself to miscarry when she found out she was pregnant, just so she could keep running after trashy a-holes that will never love her as much as your Daddy. I wish none of it was true, but it is, and I hope that you don’t end up with the qualities she has now. Instead, I hope you grow up to be like you are now, beautiful, intelligent, honest, and caring of other’s feelings. I will do my best to make sure you keep those qualities, for those are what separates us from the animals; it is what makes us special as human beings. I hope you grow up to be like the image your mother presented when we met, because then, she was a goddess, in mind, body, and spirit. I will never be able to find another woman who can match who she appeared to be, and because of that, I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I wish only the best for you, my little miracle baby, and will do my utmost to love and protect you for as long as I live. I hope you grow up with only good memories of me, and that we can share many special moments and travels together in the years to come.
I miss you, Savannah, every minute of every day, and I cannot wait until we can play together again. It is the best part of my life. I hope you are happy today, and that you always keep that special smile that is uniquely yours. It is a shining light, and I hope it only draws the best people into your life, the opposite of what your mother has surrounded herself after she met me. Until we get together again, I will continue to work on the photos I have taken of you, and will work hard to get us another place where we can be as happy as we used to be.
Until next time,
I’ve been looking over pictures lately, and especially that little video you made me back when we were at Judy’s. It is the only way I can see the woman that I fell so completely in love with any more. I wonder why you made it. Was it because I suggested it? Was it because you needed to cover the fact that you were already planning to run off? The expressions you make, the sound of your voice (“I love what you do to me in bed, and it just keeps getting better”), and the look in your eyes all look so genuine…
But it always does, doesn’t it? (The picture of you holding a sign that reads ‘the future Mrs. Sheeks’ comes to mind, as does the video you made for that jiggyboo asshole, the pictures of you with that piece of shit from Fostoria, the list goes on).
Did you ever, ever, really feel anything for me? Everything I felt for you was real, and I meant every word of affection and emotion I shared with you. Every. Single. Fucking. Word. I lived up to every single promise I made you.
And you broke every single one you ever made to me.
You have destroyed my life. Financially, emotionally, and in every way that means anything. When we met, I did my best to resist you, because I was trying to avoid having anything like this happen in my life…ever. That is exactly why I asked you what I did when we were getting to know each other. “Have you ever…would you ever.? And what did you say? It doesn’t matter…I remember.
I remember that I was there for you all during your pregnancy. I remember driving on black ice for miles so I could see you at the hospital. I remember sacrificing so much, just to try and be with you, to be the one you said you wanted.
I remember working hard at every job I had, whether it was caring for Savannah, or working at the bakery, or standing in front of a 150 degree belt drying so I could afford to give you a place to live while you were in school, and afterwards, even though you said you would be the breadwinner. I remember everything.
And it all hurts now.
Because of you.
Not because of me. You came into our relationship knowing nothing but the truth. I never held anything back, and revealed to you all my flaws. You knew I was honest, that I would never hit you (told to you by more than one person, as we both know). You knew my emotions, how passionate I was, and how much I felt for you. I strove to do everything you said you wanted, to give you everything I could.
What did it get me? I rarely even got a thank you, much less any kind of loyalty. I cannot wrap my mind around how you could be so perfect for me on one hand, and be the most tragic, painful, and destructive force in my life on the other. All the many lies. So many…like when I discovered you had killed our second baby. The lie you told to cover it was ridiculous – yet it came out so convincingly.
But I know the truth.
And so do you.
Do you know why I don’t lie? Why I never abused you or cheated, ever? It’s because I need to be able to look myself in the mirror, and know I worked at being the best human being I can be. Not perfect, not by a long shot, but the best I was capable of at any given time. Part of it was loyalty, and love, and respect for you – unlike the opposite that I have been given – but mostly it was because I have a conscience.
Where did yours go? Did you ever really have one? I’m not asking this to belittle, but because I cannot for the life of me imagine doing any of the things that have been done to me. You were once this enlightened, creative, beautiful, loving woman, or so I thought, or was led to believe. I know you want to think you have grown, but you haven’t. You have done just the opposite, becoming someone who lies, cheats, manipulates, and will do anything to anyone just as long as you get your way. That is not advancement, not in the least. The only answer that I can think of, and what seems to be borne out in reality, especially when I found out you were cheating on me since the very beginning, is that you were looking to be taken care of until you could find someone who made more money, and used me from the start. Or, you just can’t be happy with any one person. After all, you’ve already cheated on that asshat you left me for…seriously, how could you be sexting some fucker on Craigslist if you actually loved him as you have claimed? I know the pattern – you flirt, then it’s texting and emails, and then come the naked pictures and video, and then it moves on from there. Who knows how far that actually went? Looking back, I’m certain that you were cheating pretty much the whole time. Take that ‘uncle’ of yours…that fucking pervert just wanted to fuck you, and you knew it – yet you wanted to go see him alone. I would work all day, give you all my attention and affection, and you would run off to spend time with that pathetic ‘asexual’ (read: loser) scrawny little asshole.
It’s sad. So very sad. I may have been older, but I gave you incredible sex, loved you completely, and worked my ass off just so I could have the privilege of being able to see you smile, to rub your back, and if I was lucky, get to watch you orgasm. I never loved anyone as much as you, and I’ll never love anyone again. I loved just being in your presence, and when I said so, you would agree…even though you were already having an affair with that sister-raping drunk in Ohio. All I wanted was to have you with me, and for us to have a happy, creative life, and you have done everything you could to take that dream away from me, to destroy it completely.
And you succeeded.
When I met you, I was already done. I was ready to stay alone the rest of my life, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with heartbreak, and told you so. That you would have gone to such lengths just to use another person is terrible beyond words. I was bothering no one. I was minding my own business, trying to deal with the pain I had been left with, and then you came along and seduced me. Yes, that is what it was, and I have hundreds of pics from our Skype chats to prove it. You promised me things, you flirted, you teased, and all the other ingredients of seduction.
And you did the same to every other male you found, like Michael Sharpe, as well as Ronny, Danny, that dick at the auto parts store, Matt, Cody, ‘Mark Master’, and your pet coon.
And all the while, the man who saw you as a goddess was being lied to, used, abused, demonized, gaslighted, and falsely accused. More, you lied to everyone you met about me, including your family, friends, co-workers, and of course the horny little boys you so willingly threw yourself upon.
What the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve any of it?
If Karma is real, and I think it is, then this is something that will come back to you. I may have not been perfect, but I could have been right for you if you had just been honest, with me and yourself, and allowed yourself to feel what I felt, if you had only had the tiniest bit of faith, or could muster a little effort. Yes, I had some issues, and I listened to you and worked to make myself better. All you ever did was throw yourself at whoever smiled at you. I would never be able to live with myself if I had the memories you have, if I had done any of the things that you have done to me.
It was all so unnecessary. I know we could have been happy, and if you had come along with me, I would have made sure you would have been well off after I departed this earth.
You will never be able to feel the depth of what I feel for you – no one could who could throw people away like that. This makes me sad, for the woman I loved, the woman who ran on the beach with me, who came in my truck, who held my hand and loved me so hard at night, the woman who was overtaken by that other Michelle, was the most perfect person I had ever known. She lives only in the shattered remains of my heart now, and I will always miss her.
I would have given that woman anything, for that woman was worth it, if she ever existed at all. All that’s left is a girl who will do anything, say anything, to cause pain to the man who loved her with all her heart.
And if that’s not evil, I don’t know what is.
But still, despite all the pain and the lies, I miss my Michelle. I miss My Dragonfly, and every day now is nothing but the heartache and loss that came with watching you turn into that other person. I too have changed – I feel nothing but sadness and grief now, where once there was so much love, I didn’t know how to contain it all. Soon, there will be nothing left of the man I was, and only a broken shell to show for it. My heart physically aches every minute of every day. I break into random tears, because I can’t turn off the memories, which is why I tried so hard to keep this from happening in the first place. I have no hope for the future any more, and have consigned myself to live the rest of my days in loneliness and depression. The only reason I even work on anything anymore is to try and distract myself from the memories, and the pain. I have been forced to suffer so many indignities, accusations, and criticisms, so much physical pain and emotional anguish, all because I wanted to love the woman that matched me so well. I break down every time I think of all the times we shared, every morning, every drive home, every time I look at our photos. I can’t contain all the pain I have been forced to feel, and it’s torture. If I didn’t have Savannah, you would truly be free, because I passed the point of wanting to live, and you were the one shining light I had experienced in an otherwise sad, pointless life, made so by giving everything for so long, and getting nothing back.
You may hate me now, but I hope one day you will finally be able to acknowledge the truth, and realize how much you tore me down, how much pain and sadness you went out of your way to cause a man who never wanted to hurt you, and who would have gladly given you everything, including his life. I hope you have some pleasant memories of me one day, and that you admit to yourself how much I really loved you. I hope you wake up one day and have an epiphany, and become that woman that I knew. I won’t be there to see it, but I hope it for you anyway.
I can’t write any more. I don’t know why I’m even writing this, as you most likely won’t see it, and if you do, it will be with the intention of causing me more pain, or to laugh, or whatever.
I wish we had made it. You were perfect, even more so because of your imperfections.
I wish I was…
My Dear Savannah,
I woke up from a dream of you this morning, a dream of you and Mommy and I, of when we were all together, and I thought we were happy. I can’t describe how it feels to wake up alone, with your heart hurting from all the lies you have been told, of losing everything you worked so hard for eight years to keep, of not being able to see your own child at the end of the day. I think it feels like dying, only it happens very slowly, bit by bit, every minute of every day. It starts from the second your eyes open at the start of the day, and it follows you as you fall asleep to haunt your dreams. What makes it so hard, is that when we met, your Mommy and I seemed so perfect together, even though your Daddy was somewhat older than your Mommy. She was everything your Daddy ever wanted in life, and this was made even more perfect when we made you. You brought a joy into my life that can only be felt by a father, a sense of belonging and love that exists in the bond between Father and Daughter. You brought happiness into my world with every look, every smile, every little word. Simple things like playing peek-a-boo, or even feeding you when you were tiny, became special memories that will last a lifetime, and held in a special place deep within my heart.
In the beginning, your Mommy seemed to love me. Every moment I got to spend with her filled me with a love so strong I could barely contain it. Although years separated us, it was like she filled in all the things that were missing in my life, and I truly thought we had been brought together to become complete. Our age difference bothered her parents, your grandparents on her side, but your Mommy chose your Daddy, and told them if they couldn’t accept us together, then they had no place in her life. That was how much your Mommy seemed to care back then. I can’t tell you how much it hurts to have someone you love run around with someone else, even worse to discover they had been doing it from the very beginning. I hope you never have to feel that kind of pain, the humiliation and despair of watching someone break every promise they have ever made to you. A promise is a sacred thing, little one, and you should never make a promise that you cannot keep, for breaking a promise lowers your worth as a human being, and makes you into less of a person. A wedding vow is the biggest, most important promise a person can ever make in their life, and to break that promise means you have no honor, and thus no value as a human being. Those that would disrespect such a promise by going after a married person is even worse, for it means they had no honor to start with, and honor is one of the highest aspects of our humanity. Without honor, we are nothing but animals with shoes, unworthy of any respect or courtesy, of true love or any type of happiness.
I know that when you are old enough to read these letters, you will understand what I am talking about. You are a smart girl, and I know you will be able to handle the truth. It saddens me more than you will ever know that one day, you will know all that has happened, and how much your Mommy went out of her way to hurt me, and how much I tried to get her to love me the way she seemed to love me when we met, and when we made you. I tried so hard to make us both that happy, because back then, your Mommy made me feel happier than I had ever been, and the energy between us seemed so strong. Yet your Mommy was always ready to leave. When I found the first job after my accident, your mother decided to start chatting online with a pathetic drunk who was convicted of sexually assaulting his sister, and later arranged to have her step-father come and get her and her things while I was at work so she could be with him. I sold all the things I had been saving to either share with my children, or for my retirement, in order to follow her back to Ohio in order to show her how much I loved her. This was a pattern she would follow for the next six years, with each loser she hooked up with even more pathetic than the last, until she finally crossed a line that was beyond forgiveness. I am so sorry that I did not know then what I know now, and that I did not give you a better mother, for the woman I thought I knew never really existed, and it hurts me deep inside to know all the things you will have to experience and feel as a result. I am sorry that your mother has such low self-esteem, and no respect for the feelings of others. For the first three and a half years of your life, I was there for you every day, and cared more about your feelings than I did my own. Meanwhile, your mommy was only concerned over what loser had captured her interest (and there were many), and could never make you her priority. That hurt me deeply, as I loved you both with all my heart.
One day, you will learn all that has happened, but for now, there is only the confusion of where your Daddy goes, and why you can’t see him every day. Instead, you are made to be around someone that has no honor, no respect, and no common sense. You have been made to be part of a stereotype against your will, and forced to associate with the person responsible for your father’s pain. All I can do is continue to work hard, so that I can give you the best time I can when we are together. You are the reason I stay around, little one, for I love you with all my heart, and want nothing but to be the best father I can be to you.
I miss you, little one, and can hardly wait for this weekend. Perhaps then, this sadness will go away for awhile, even though it hurts so much to let you go at the end. I hope you are happy today, and that you think of me every once in awhile.