I’ve been looking over pictures lately, and especially that little video you made me back when we were at Judy’s. It is the only way I can see the woman that I fell so completely in love with any more. I wonder why you made it. Was it because I suggested it? Was it because you needed to cover the fact that you were already planning to run off? The expressions you make, the sound of your voice (“I love what you do to me in bed, and it just keeps getting better”), and the look in your eyes all look so genuine…
But it always does, doesn’t it? (The picture of you holding a sign that reads ‘the future Mrs. Sheeks’ comes to mind, as does the video you made for that jiggyboo asshole, the pictures of you with that piece of shit from Fostoria, the list goes on).
Did you ever, ever, really feel anything for me? Everything I felt for you was real, and I meant every word of affection and emotion I shared with you. Every. Single. Fucking. Word. I lived up to every single promise I made you.
And you broke every single one you ever made to me.
You have destroyed my life. Financially, emotionally, and in every way that means anything. When we met, I did my best to resist you, because I was trying to avoid having anything like this happen in my life…ever. That is exactly why I asked you what I did when we were getting to know each other. “Have you ever…would you ever.? And what did you say? It doesn’t matter…I remember.
I remember that I was there for you all during your pregnancy. I remember driving on black ice for miles so I could see you at the hospital. I remember sacrificing so much, just to try and be with you, to be the one you said you wanted.
I remember working hard at every job I had, whether it was caring for Savannah, or working at the bakery, or standing in front of a 150 degree belt drying so I could afford to give you a place to live while you were in school, and afterwards, even though you said you would be the breadwinner. I remember everything.
And it all hurts now.
Because of you.
Not because of me. You came into our relationship knowing nothing but the truth. I never held anything back, and revealed to you all my flaws. You knew I was honest, that I would never hit you (told to you by more than one person, as we both know). You knew my emotions, how passionate I was, and how much I felt for you. I strove to do everything you said you wanted, to give you everything I could.
What did it get me? I rarely even got a thank you, much less any kind of loyalty. I cannot wrap my mind around how you could be so perfect for me on one hand, and be the most tragic, painful, and destructive force in my life on the other. All the many lies. So many…like when I discovered you had killed our second baby. The lie you told to cover it was ridiculous – yet it came out so convincingly.
But I know the truth.
And so do you.
Do you know why I don’t lie? Why I never abused you or cheated, ever? It’s because I need to be able to look myself in the mirror, and know I worked at being the best human being I can be. Not perfect, not by a long shot, but the best I was capable of at any given time. Part of it was loyalty, and love, and respect for you – unlike the opposite that I have been given – but mostly it was because I have a conscience.
Where did yours go? Did you ever really have one? I’m not asking this to belittle, but because I cannot for the life of me imagine doing any of the things that have been done to me. You were once this enlightened, creative, beautiful, loving woman, or so I thought, or was led to believe. I know you want to think you have grown, but you haven’t. You have done just the opposite, becoming someone who lies, cheats, manipulates, and will do anything to anyone just as long as you get your way. That is not advancement, not in the least. The only answer that I can think of, and what seems to be borne out in reality, especially when I found out you were cheating on me since the very beginning, is that you were looking to be taken care of until you could find someone who made more money, and used me from the start. Or, you just can’t be happy with any one person. After all, you’ve already cheated on that asshat you left me for…seriously, how could you be sexting some fucker on Craigslist if you actually loved him as you have claimed? I know the pattern – you flirt, then it’s texting and emails, and then come the naked pictures and video, and then it moves on from there. Who knows how far that actually went? Looking back, I’m certain that you were cheating pretty much the whole time. Take that ‘uncle’ of yours…that fucking pervert just wanted to fuck you, and you knew it – yet you wanted to go see him alone. I would work all day, give you all my attention and affection, and you would run off to spend time with that pathetic ‘asexual’ (read: loser) scrawny little asshole.
It’s sad. So very sad. I may have been older, but I gave you incredible sex, loved you completely, and worked my ass off just so I could have the privilege of being able to see you smile, to rub your back, and if I was lucky, get to watch you orgasm. I never loved anyone as much as you, and I’ll never love anyone again. I loved just being in your presence, and when I said so, you would agree…even though you were already having an affair with that sister-raping drunk in Ohio. All I wanted was to have you with me, and for us to have a happy, creative life, and you have done everything you could to take that dream away from me, to destroy it completely.
And you succeeded.
When I met you, I was already done. I was ready to stay alone the rest of my life, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with heartbreak, and told you so. That you would have gone to such lengths just to use another person is terrible beyond words. I was bothering no one. I was minding my own business, trying to deal with the pain I had been left with, and then you came along and seduced me. Yes, that is what it was, and I have hundreds of pics from our Skype chats to prove it. You promised me things, you flirted, you teased, and all the other ingredients of seduction.
And you did the same to every other male you found, like Michael Sharpe, as well as Ronny, Danny, that dick at the auto parts store, Matt, Cody, ‘Mark Master’, and your pet coon.
And all the while, the man who saw you as a goddess was being lied to, used, abused, demonized, gaslighted, and falsely accused. More, you lied to everyone you met about me, including your family, friends, co-workers, and of course the horny little boys you so willingly threw yourself upon.
What the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve any of it?
If Karma is real, and I think it is, then this is something that will come back to you. I may have not been perfect, but I could have been right for you if you had just been honest, with me and yourself, and allowed yourself to feel what I felt, if you had only had the tiniest bit of faith, or could muster a little effort. Yes, I had some issues, and I listened to you and worked to make myself better. All you ever did was throw yourself at whoever smiled at you. I would never be able to live with myself if I had the memories you have, if I had done any of the things that you have done to me.
It was all so unnecessary. I know we could have been happy, and if you had come along with me, I would have made sure you would have been well off after I departed this earth.
You will never be able to feel the depth of what I feel for you – no one could who could throw people away like that. This makes me sad, for the woman I loved, the woman who ran on the beach with me, who came in my truck, who held my hand and loved me so hard at night, the woman who was overtaken by that other Michelle, was the most perfect person I had ever known. She lives only in the shattered remains of my heart now, and I will always miss her.
I would have given that woman anything, for that woman was worth it, if she ever existed at all. All that’s left is a girl who will do anything, say anything, to cause pain to the man who loved her with all her heart.
And if that’s not evil, I don’t know what is.
But still, despite all the pain and the lies, I miss my Michelle. I miss My Dragonfly, and every day now is nothing but the heartache and loss that came with watching you turn into that other person. I too have changed – I feel nothing but sadness and grief now, where once there was so much love, I didn’t know how to contain it all. Soon, there will be nothing left of the man I was, and only a broken shell to show for it. My heart physically aches every minute of every day. I break into random tears, because I can’t turn off the memories, which is why I tried so hard to keep this from happening in the first place. I have no hope for the future any more, and have consigned myself to live the rest of my days in loneliness and depression. The only reason I even work on anything anymore is to try and distract myself from the memories, and the pain. I have been forced to suffer so many indignities, accusations, and criticisms, so much physical pain and emotional anguish, all because I wanted to love the woman that matched me so well. I break down every time I think of all the times we shared, every morning, every drive home, every time I look at our photos. I can’t contain all the pain I have been forced to feel, and it’s torture. If I didn’t have Savannah, you would truly be free, because I passed the point of wanting to live, and you were the one shining light I had experienced in an otherwise sad, pointless life, made so by giving everything for so long, and getting nothing back.
You may hate me now, but I hope one day you will finally be able to acknowledge the truth, and realize how much you tore me down, how much pain and sadness you went out of your way to cause a man who never wanted to hurt you, and who would have gladly given you everything, including his life. I hope you have some pleasant memories of me one day, and that you admit to yourself how much I really loved you. I hope you wake up one day and have an epiphany, and become that woman that I knew. I won’t be there to see it, but I hope it for you anyway.
I can’t write any more. I don’t know why I’m even writing this, as you most likely won’t see it, and if you do, it will be with the intention of causing me more pain, or to laugh, or whatever.
I wish we had made it. You were perfect, even more so because of your imperfections.
I wish I was…