Letter to Savannah 8/2/18

My Dear Savannah,

I woke up from a dream of you this morning, a dream of you and Mommy and I, of when we were all together, and I thought we were happy. I can’t describe how it feels to wake up alone, with your heart hurting from all the lies you have been told, of losing everything you worked so hard for eight years to keep, of not being able to see your own child at the end of the day. I think it feels like dying, only it happens very slowly, bit by bit, every minute of every day. It starts from the second your eyes open at the start of the day, and it follows you as you fall asleep to haunt your dreams. What makes it so hard, is that when we met, your Mommy and I seemed so perfect together, even though your Daddy was somewhat older than your Mommy. She was everything your Daddy ever wanted in life, and this was made even more perfect when we made you. You brought a joy into my life that can only be felt by a father, a sense of belonging and love that exists in the bond between Father and Daughter. You brought happiness into my world with every look, every smile, every little word. Simple things like playing peek-a-boo, or even feeding you when you were tiny, became special memories that will last a lifetime, and held in a special place deep within my heart.
In the beginning, your Mommy seemed to love me. Every moment I got to spend with her filled me with a love so strong I could barely contain it. Although years separated us, it was like she filled in all the things that were missing in my life, and I truly thought we had been brought together to become complete. Our age difference bothered her parents, your grandparents on her side, but your Mommy chose your Daddy, and told them if they couldn’t accept us together, then they had no place in her life. That was how much your Mommy seemed to care back then. I can’t tell you how much it hurts to have someone you love run around with someone else, even worse to discover they had been doing it from the very beginning. I hope you never have to feel that kind of pain, the humiliation and despair of watching someone break every promise they have ever made to you. A promise is a sacred thing, little one, and you should never make a promise that you cannot keep, for breaking a promise lowers your worth as a human being, and makes you into less of a person. A wedding vow is the biggest, most important promise a person can ever make in their life, and to break that promise means you have no honor, and thus no value as a human being. Those that would disrespect such a promise by going after a married person is even worse, for it means they had no honor to start with, and honor is one of the highest aspects of our humanity. Without honor, we are nothing but animals with shoes, unworthy of any respect or courtesy, of true love or any type of happiness.
I know that when you are old enough to read these letters, you will understand what I am talking about. You are a smart girl, and I know you will be able to handle the truth. It saddens me more than you will ever know that one day, you will know all that has happened, and how much your Mommy went out of her way to hurt me, and how much I tried to get her to love me the way she seemed to love me when we met, and when we made you. I tried so hard to make us both that happy, because back then, your Mommy made me feel happier than I had ever been, and the energy between us seemed so strong. Yet your Mommy was always ready to leave. When I found the first job after my accident, your mother decided to start chatting online with a pathetic drunk who was convicted of sexually assaulting his sister, and later arranged to have her step-father come and get her and her things while I was at work so she could be with him. I sold all the things I had been saving to either share with my children, or for my retirement, in order to follow her back to Ohio in order to show her how much I loved her. This was a pattern she would follow for the next six years, with each loser she hooked up with even more pathetic than the last, until she finally crossed a line that was beyond forgiveness. I am so sorry that I did not know then what I know now, and that I did not give you a better mother, for the woman I thought I knew never really existed, and it hurts me deep inside to know all the things you will have to experience and feel as a result. I am sorry that your mother has such low self-esteem, and no respect for the feelings of others. For the first three and a half years of your life, I was there for you every day, and cared more about your feelings than I did my own. Meanwhile, your mommy was only concerned over what loser had captured her interest (and there were many), and could never make you her priority. That hurt me deeply, as I loved you both with all my heart.
One day, you will learn all that has happened, but for now, there is only the confusion of where your Daddy goes, and why you can’t see him every day. Instead, you are made to be around someone that has no honor, no respect, and no common sense. You have been made to be part of a stereotype against your will, and forced to associate with the person responsible for your father’s pain. All I can do is continue to work hard, so that I can give you the best time I can when we are together. You are the reason I stay around, little one, for I love you with all my heart, and want nothing but to be the best father I can be to you.
I miss you, little one, and can hardly wait for this weekend. Perhaps then, this sadness will go away for awhile, even though it hurts so much to let you go at the end. I hope you are happy today, and that you think of me every once in awhile.



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