Letter to Savannah 8/29/18

My Dearest Little One,

I am missing you today, as I do every day. I look at the pictures of you, your mommy, and us together just about every night, even though it hurts me deep inside, remembering how it used to be. I was so close to finally having things in our life go the way I had always wanted it to be, before your mother decided to tear apart our lives. I cannot describe the deep sadness and pain it causes me to know how hard I worked to keep us all together, just to have it pulled out from under me again. I try my best to stay happy around you during the short times that I get to see you, but it isn’t easy; your mother continues to harass me through the courts, attempting to say I broke a protection order that shouldn’t exist in the first place. I hope you never have to go through what I have been forced to go through – to be accused of being the exact opposite of what you are, of having to defend yourself against false accusations as part of someone else’s plan. It’s a terrible feeling, especially after going through so much to avoid those kinds of things in your life, or after having shared so many special times with someone, only to have them use everything against you.
I don’t know why your mommy hates me so much. Then again, I cannot imagine doing to anyone what she has done to me, or saying to someone the many things that she has said to me, the kind of things that you only ever share with those you love the most. It tears you apart inside in a way that is particularly intimate, gets down inside your soul deeper than you could imagine. What makes it even worse is that I never hurt your mommy. I loved her with all my heart, and would have done anything to keep her in that special place in my life.
I wish I had videos of our time together to show you, rather than just a few pictures. There were so many times that your mother seemed to be happy – she would cuddle with me, and make me laugh, and I would rub her back for hours every night, just so that I could touch her. Even now, months later, I can still remember exactly what her skin felt like, and I can’t think about any of those times without having to hold back tears. Your mother made my life magical, even though I had to work harder than I have had to for many years. Just seeing her smile would light up my day – I would feel strong whenever she was around, and being able to be there for you and her gave my life meaning.
Now, all I have to look forward to is the short time I get to spend with you, and it’s never enough. I am working even more hours now, and my weeks are longer than they have ever been before. I have no one to greet me when I get home, and just feel tired and sore and sad most days.
I wish I had been the right age for your mom. I wish I was younger, so that I could watch you grow up and become the incredible woman I know you will become. I wish I could make all the dreams you will have come true, and that I could help make your life a wonderful experience. I don’t know how long I will be able to be there for you. Your father has taken some hard knocks during his life; I have always done what my children needed of me, and this has resulted in your father being hurt more than once. I still, after sixteen years, feel the pain every day of the car accident that broke my back. It used to be much worse, but then I met your mother and started to heal – I had just started to get my full mobility back when she decided to leave, and for some reason, all the old aches and pains have come back. I feel worse now than I have in over ten years, and it worries me that I may not be around long enough to see you grow up. I hope I can, because my children are my greatest works of art. I’ll never create another masterpiece like you, little one, and I want to see you bloom into a wonderful human being.
I hope you are happy today. Your father misses you so much. I miss the way things used to be, and am saddened that I will never know how good things could have been. I wish I could have spared you all the stress and sadness of coming from a broken family. Your mother promised that if we had a baby, that we would raise it together in love, that we would not have you raised like we were raised, without both parents together. I did my best to keep that promise, little one, and it breaks my heart that your mother could not keep any of hers.
I can’t wait to see you this weekend. I love you, little angel, and will do my best to see you have a good weekend with me.



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