Letter to Savannah 9/3/18

My Dearest Savannah,

I wish we could have spent today together. Normally, this is a three-day weekend, and if I had a normal job, I would have been off work, and we would have had more time to play, but I have to work today, because this was the only job I could find quick enough that paid enough money for us to have a home. Sadly, your mother took everything away, including you, and now I am trapped here, working harder than I ever have, just so I can see you every other weekend. What makes it worse is that I don’t even have to work a full day – just long enough so that I couldn’t have you the extra day.
I’m sorry that I get sad on the mornings I have to take you back. I try to hold back the tears until I leave you at the babysitter’s, and sometimes I just can’t. You always cry when I have to leave, and that hurts me deep inside. I love every single minute that we have together, and try my best to make every visit special, because you are the most special person in my life. Every time I leave, like this morning, I end up crying all the way to work, and it is a struggle not to break down during the day. The only thing that keeps me going at all these days is the memory of your smile, and the hope I will get to see it again. I wish we could still be a family, and that I could come home to your happy energy every day. I cannot express how much I miss coming home every day to see you, and how you would run up to me, so happy that your daddy was home. You are my shining light, and the only connection I have now to the days when we were all together.
Being with you are the happiest days of my life. I love watching you play, and how excited you get when we go out, because you know it will be somewhere fun. Your emotions are so pure, so honest, and I can tell how deeply you love your Daddy – you always let me know how much you care, and I hope that is something that never changes. Honesty is one of the most important qualities we have – it is what separates us from the lower animals, and although honest people are often made to suffer for it, it is better to be honest and suffer than to lie and hurt others. Even when you don’t like something, like having to go back to the babysitters (and I don’t blame you one bit), you are honest with how you feel. I’ll never make you feel bad for how you feel, and that is a promise. I keep my promises, too. I kept every promise I made to your mother, even after she broke every promise she ever made to me, and I will keep every promise I make to you. I told you that for as long as I live, I will always be there for you, and that I would never turn you away. I will always be your Daddy, and nothing can ever change that. I made you on purpose, with love in my heart, and that love will never change. You are my Grand Masterpiece, the greatest work of art I have ever created, and the last baby I will ever have. I will do my best to make your life as happy as I can, and will be there to hold you in times of sadness, and cheer you during times of success. I want your life to be amazing and magical, and will do everything I can to make your childhood something you cherish for all your life. I want you to have as many good memories of me as possible, for you are one of the few people that actually care about me, and one of the few that deserve everything I can offer.
It’s so hard, little one, to go from seeing you every day, to not seeing you at all for over six months, and then only to be able to see you every other weekend. I miss you so much it hurts; my stomach is in knots for days after you leave, and I find myself crying over simple memories, like us watching Spongebob together. The way you smile, and the sound of your voice, stay with me after you are gone, and I think that is the only thing that keeps me going any more. You are very much like your daddy, in that you feel things very strongly; you don’t like to dwell on negative things, because you feel everything so clearly, and you father is the same way. This is why I try to smile and stay as positive as I can when I take you back – it would hurt you if you knew how much pain I have been made to feel – am still being made to feel – every day. It is easy to see how much it upsets you to see me unhappy, and it hurts me inside to ever see my little girl sad.
I wish things weren’t like this. I wish you mother had been the person she said she was when we met. For a time, it seemed like I might have actually had my dreams come true – we had a nice little house, and could spend time together every day. You and your mother were the things that made me happiest, and now both of those have been taken from me. I’m sorry, little one. I’m sorry that I can’t be with you every day. I”m sorry that your mother stopped loving your daddy, if she ever loved me at all. I’m sorry that you have to go through these times at all; I tried very hard, everything I knew how to do, to keep it from happening. I hope you never have to feel this kind of pain, loneliness, and absolute betrayal, for seeing you suffer like I am suffering now would be too much to take.
You make me so happy, little one. Your voice lifts my spirits, and I love how you speak. It melts my heart when we talk, and you have the cutest way of expressing yourself, even when something bothers you. You are my sun, and the warmest source of love that I think I could ever feel. You truly are a miracle to me, little girl, and I wish I could spend every minute with you, watching you grow and discovering the world.
So, until the next time you visit, I’ll leave your Paw Patrol toys out where you left them. It hurts to see them, because you are gone, but it also reminds me of all the happy times we have together. I’ll continue to write my letters to you here, because it makes me feel closer to you. One day, after I am gone, you will still have these letters, along with the pictures and videos, to look back on, and I hope you will remember me with the love you hold for me now.
I hope you are happy today, and I will miss you (bunches and bunches) until I get to see you again.
I love you, little one, and am thinking of you always.



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