That Time of Year

Every year, on August 5th, I try to reflect, and sometimes celebrate, my continued existence. In 2002, I was the victim of a near-fatal automobile accident in which I was ejected through the sun-roof of an SUV that was flipping over at 40+ mph. This time each year, I write about that event, how it affected me and changed my perceptions on life, and my reflections on that subject through that new perspective.
This marks the fourteenth year since that day, and this year has been harder to write about than most. The last few years have not been kind, and have tested both my spirit and my patience to its limit. I’ve been forced to suffer the height of injustice several times in the last few years, and these in turn have darkened my perspective on both my future and the state of society in general. These ordeals are not yet over, and the effects of them will stay with me for quite some time, possibly even for the rest of my life. I’ve learned to deal with the physical hardships; living with chronic pain every day due to the injuries I received has given me little choice in that regard. No, it’s the insults to my character and integrity that I have difficulty dealing with. Due to circumstances way beyond my ability to control, and the incompetence on the part of law enforcement in North Carolina, there are those close to me that have been given a skewed, false impression as to who I really am, and this more than anything else has caused me deep inner pain and grief. I have built my character around the concepts of truth, honesty, and loyalty, and when these are questioned by those with no qualifications to do so, it gets my under my skin.
Each year, around this time, I make a Life Determination, based on the previous year, similar to those most do on New Year’s, only with more conviction and sincerity than a mere resolution. This year, I have decided that no longer allow the opinions of these people affect me. Life is simply too short and fragile to waste time on things. I will do nothing to correct those false impressions other than to continue living my life as I have – with honor and personal integrity. In time, the truth of these matters will be shown, and Karma will perform its function. Truth exists despite the best efforts of others to obfuscate, twist, distort, or deny it. Eventually, it makes itself known, and when the day comes for me to face the dark, I will face it with my integrity intact.

~Namaste

A Special Thank You

I’ve written previously about how there was something inside of me, something I had never been able to pin down, something that had haunted me throughout my entire life, but I picked it almost subconsciously, not really thinking about the implications. I certainly never knew, despite the occasional flash of insight, and regardless of near constant introspection, of just what it was, or how deep it ran. It took meeting my wife, and her insights, to make me aware of issues that I had been suffering from since childhood. It affected every area of my life, and I was foolishly ignorant of the symptoms, and even more so the cause. It intruded into her life as well, and though it caused her so much pain, threatened to pull us apart forever, she somehow found the strength and the means to finally make me aware, to wake me up to how much I need to rid myself of it forever, for me, for her, and for our family.
She is amazing, my wife. Anyone else would have given up on me long ago; god knows everyone else did, but even though she found it necessary to protect herself, she somehow has held onto the good parts she sees in me, and continues to do what she can to help me in my darkest hour. I want to thank her for this, for her love, for her tenacity, and for being the one person that could, and has, made all the difference.
Thank you, Dragonfly, for being all those things and more. Without you, I would never have seen the truth, would still be unaware of just how much I affected not only myself, but everyone around me. Thank you for being honest, for being there in those moments where I was ready to give up, for just being you.
There will coma day when my demons are slain, when I can once again be completely free, to love and be loved, to enjoy the life I was meant to have It will a happy, glorious day when I do so, and it is all because of someone who I can never thank enough, who is beyond description, and who I love with all my heart. I hope that when that day comes, those who follow my blog will celebrate; it will mark a new chapter in my life, one I know will be filled with all the things I have been denied for so long.
I wish you all well, and hope that if you have demons, that you find a way to slay them once and for all.

~namaste

Issues

As some of you may know, I’ve been dealing with certain issues for most of my life. For many years, I was unaware of just how serious they were; it took a special person brave enough, who cared enough, to make me aware of them, and of just how much they affected my day to day life.
Recent events drove this realization home in a way that finally woke me up to both the depth and causes of these issues, and made me realize that they were not something I could handle alone. Many times, what we perceive as setbacks, as blows to our lives, are actually an opportunity for change. it is very difficult to see that at the time; we often need to step back and allow some time to pass so we can see things clearly, and for me, this has almost always been the case, and I have spent over a month reflecting on both the causes of these issues, and their effects on myself and others.
I was one of those people that never gave any serious consideration to counseling or therapy. I felt I was smart enough, strong enough, to solve any problem that came my way, be they external or internal, and this is the mistake many make when dealing with such things. This time, however, I came to know that I needed some help, and have begun counseling in order to deal with not only the effects of my accident, but aspects of myself that have been so ingrained for so long, that I considered them simply a part of my normal self.
I urge anyone who has issues in their lives that cause them pain, or interfere with relationships, their job, or their temperament, to listen to those who urge them to seek help. Some problems simply cannot be handled alone, and need someone on the outside to help them, someone with the training and experience to listen from an objective viewpoint who can then assist in dealing with those issues. It may make all the difference in the world.

~Namaste

My Valentine

My Special Valentine

My Special Valentine

My Dearest Savannah,
It is Valentine’s Day, and though I wanted more than anything to be able
to spend this day with you and your mother, we have been forced to
spend it apart. I’ve been sitting here all night, looking at pictures
of you both, remembering all the times we have had together as tears
fall from my eyes. I try to make them stop, but I can’t. The love I
have for you both overwhelms me, and I would gladly sacrifice more than
I already have just to hold the both of you again. Had things gone my
way, I would have given you and your mom some gift, some sign of what
you both mean to me, and done my best to make your day as sweet as the
smiles you give me. I know you are too young to read this, but I hope
against hope that maybe your mother still misses some small part of the
times we had together, and though I know better, I hope she remembers
how I used to make her feel, even if it were for a second. I want so
bad to make you both happy. It has put an ache in my heart that only
you and she can erase.
I want you to know I love you, and always will, no matter what may
happen in the future. We spent every day together for almost 2 years,
and it was never enough. I would put you to sleep at night, and even
though I may have been tired, it would only be a short time before I
would miss you, and had to resist waking you up just so I could play
with you again, so much joy did you bring into my life. Every time you
smiled at me, I could feel my heart swell with love to the point where I
could barely contain it, just as it did every time your mother smiled at
me, as it did every time either of you held my hand, or gave me the
slightest attention. I can’t tell you, or anyone else, how lonely it is
being without the ones I love the most.
I want you to know that despite everything, I love your mother with all
my heart. She is the most beautiful, creative, amazing woman I have
ever known, and no one will ever hold my heart like she does. Love is a
powerful thing, little one, and when you find the one you love, I hope
you are able to hold onto them and are never forced apart, for even
though love can take you to the greatest hearts, it also has the power
to tear you apart in ways you could not dream. Never be afraid though,
for a true love is forever, and when you find it, you will know it to
the deepest parts of your being. And I love you, little Savannah, more
than words can say. Every second apart is an eternity, spent wondering
if you are safe. Even though we are separated by many miles, you are my
Valentine, my little one, my miracle. You looked at me every day with a
love purer than anything I’ve ever known, and likely ever will. Your
mother once looked at me like that, and I wish somehow, through some act
of Divine Intervention, that I could have her look at me that way again,
and that we could be together in happiness and love. If i could cut out
the parts of me that changed her heart, I would do so without a thought,
for you two mean more to me than anything, even my own soul.
One day, you may have a little child of your own, and if you do, give
them all your love. Give them Valentines, and kisses, hold them close
and tell them how much you love them, because you never know when it
will be the last time. Give them all you can, for you do not know what
the future may bring. Live in, and appreciate, every second you have
together. I always did, even though it may not have seemed like it, and
now that you and your mother are gone, all I have are memories, and they
can never come close to what it feels like to actually be there.
I love you and miss you, my Little Valentine. Give your mother a kiss
and hug. I wish I could. Remember, your Daddy loves you and misses you.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you both. I’m thinking of you.

The Most Special Day

Dearest Savannah,

Two years ago today, you came into the world. Your mother and I went months without knowing if you would even make it into the world, and when you were born, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We lived with uncertainty every day, and the fear we would never hear you laugh, or see you smile. That we were blessed with such a wonderful, amazing little girl was, to me, a proof that miracles exist.
I’m so sorry that I cannot spend this most special day with you. I would give almost anything to see you smile again, to watch you express the wonder and joy at the world in your own special way. It breaks my heart that I don’t know where you are, or to be able to protect you as I had every day since you were born. Your Daddy has given so much, lost so much, including his freedom, to forces beyond his control, and for that, I am forever sorry. You were conceived in love, and when your mother told me she was pregnant, I felt more joy than I could ever describe.
Since then, I was with you every day it was possible. I have watched you go from tiny, helpless infant, to an amazing, sweet child who explores the world with a sense of wide-eyed wonder and who gives nothing but love and smiles to anyone willing to accept it, and it has been the most beautiful experience of my life. Every moment I have spent with you will be forever ingrained in my memory, and it is my fondest, deepest wish, that those days are not forever behind us.
You are, and will forever be, the guiding light of my life. I miss having you take my finger, and have you take me with you to play with your blocks. We would watch Mother Goose club every day, and your smile you gave me when I sang to you will be forever etched upon my memory. Whatever happens, whatever you may hear in the future, I hope you will know that your Daddy misses and loves you.
I hope your birthday is filled with laughter and smiles, and that one day, we can be reunited. I want nothing more than to see the love in your eyes that you gave me every day. You went to bed one night, after your Daddy was there every day, and then the next, I was gone. I wish I could tell you what happened, but I am as much in the dark as you; I woke one day with hope for our future, and then, within the space of but a day, everything changed.
I will always love you, my little miracle. Nothing will change that, despite whatever the future holds in store.
Be strong, be yourself, and keep sending your special love out into the world.
Daddy loves you, more than anything, and he always will.

My little Miracle

My little Miracle

News – 12/26/15

WEBSITE NEWS

As most will have already noticed, the new website revision is finished. Five years was way too long to go without changing the look of the site, but I wear many hats in addition to that of Author. Parent, artist, husband, and activist are but a few of the many I get to wear during a typical day. But now, going forward, I finally managed to squeeze in enough time in my busy schedule to rewrite the site. Sadly, some sections, like the links pages (my personal favorite) had to go, for various reasons. I hated to see them go, but I believe it was the right thing to do. I’ll be placing a good number of those links in upcoming blog posts.
As you can see, the blog portion of the site has not been skinned to match the rest of the site. I use WordPress for my blogs, and skinning them is a whole ‘nother animal when it comes to working in web design. I learn as much as I can by doing, and will get around to the blogs on both this site and my art site, http:www.reincarnations.com

Namaste

Thirteen Years Ago

Thirteen years, it’s been, since an event that changed the course of my life, and nearly ended it. I’ve lost count, during those years, of the times I’ve had to defend the truth of those events., but I no longer do so; either my testimony is enough, or it is not. I do not pander to skeptics and the closed-minded, but instead only offer a different way of looking at the reality around us, in an attempt to widen the perspective of those who entertain a broader view, just as my perspective has been widened by the events I have experienced.
I used to think, back when pain was my sole companion, that it couldn’t get much worse, that I had experienced the worst life could throw at me, barring death, and that no matter what came next, it would have to be better than what I was going through.
Then, Ohio happened. Ohio, with its vile, corrupt, pathetic examples of ‘authority’ and ‘civil service’, such as Keith Loreno, the bloated, puckering asshole that is Mark Repp, and his miserable, double digit IQ cronies. These reprobates, none of them capable to surviving outside of their little shit-stain of a town, pervert justice and criminalize innocent people for the sake of a dollar, and to assuage their tiny egos, something that in another time, would have earned them a place behind bars, if they were lucky.
I’ll be writing more about these sick, twisted pieces of human filth in the future, of that, you can be sure. I have video I’ll be posting as well, as those that know me, know I make no claims that I can’t back up.
Speaking of videos, I’ll be making a good deal of them in the near future. In addition to writing, producing accompanying artwork, painting furniture, and caring for an energetic toddler, I am revamping both my art and writing sites. I put up the MichaelVain.net site back when I first started dabbling with web design. I had hoped to update the site on a regular basis, but with wearing so many hats, (not to mention all the time I’ve had to waste dealing with cowards in uniforms attempting to fuck with my life) there is never enough time to get everything finished as quickly as I would like. Still, the changes are coming. There will be some slight changes to the navigation, in order to make the catalog section more prominent, and may change the photo gallery section to better display the art I create for my writing. There will be new graphics in which to display the site, as well as some other changes, so stay tuned

New Addition

Please welcome the newest addition to our creative family! Little Savannah Rose was born on Feb. 7th, 2014. She was six weeks early, and weighed in at 5 lbs. 15 oz.



We look forward to showing her the many wonders in the world, and look forward to introducing her to many creative mediums in the future. It’s been a rough road so far, but she is getting stronger as time passes, and are looking forward to many happy times together in the future. It is my birthday today, and I cannot think of a better gift than seeing her big bright eyes look into mine. She is the best present one could hope for, and has added a whole new dimension to my life. Thank you, Michelle, for giving me such a wonderful, wondrous gift, for little else could enrich my life to such an extent as this precious jewel of a child. At my age, I thought I had pretty much seen it all, but I never could have predicted the joy and awe she brings to me every day.

~Namaste

Hard At Work Pt 4.

I’m still hard at work editing my first horror novel. Michelle learned she was expecting on August 14th, and since then, there has suddenly been a lot more to do. I am working a full time job now, in addition to my training, webmaster duties, and all around go-to guy, so things have been pretty hectic. I had hoped to have the rewrite done by now, and printed for final editing and revision, but that will have to come in its own time. I do think, however, that this draft is far superior to the one before it, and as long as a writer can say that, they are moving forward, and that is a satisfying thing. Much more news to come, so stay tuned!