A Special Thank You

I’ve written previously about how there was something inside of me, something I had never been able to pin down, something that had haunted me throughout my entire life, but I picked it almost subconsciously, not really thinking about the implications. I certainly never knew, despite the occasional flash of insight, and regardless of near constant introspection, of just what it was, or how deep it ran. It took meeting my wife, and her insights, to make me aware of issues that I had been suffering from since childhood. It affected every area of my life, and I was foolishly ignorant of the symptoms, and even more so the cause. It intruded into her life as well, and though it caused her so much pain, threatened to pull us apart forever, she somehow found the strength and the means to finally make me aware, to wake me up to how much I need to rid myself of it forever, for me, for her, and for our family.
She is amazing, my wife. Anyone else would have given up on me long ago; god knows everyone else did, but even though she found it necessary to protect herself, she somehow has held onto the good parts she sees in me, and continues to do what she can to help me in my darkest hour. I want to thank her for this, for her love, for her tenacity, and for being the one person that could, and has, made all the difference.
Thank you, Dragonfly, for being all those things and more. Without you, I would never have seen the truth, would still be unaware of just how much I affected not only myself, but everyone around me. Thank you for being honest, for being there in those moments where I was ready to give up, for just being you.
There will coma day when my demons are slain, when I can once again be completely free, to love and be loved, to enjoy the life I was meant to have It will a happy, glorious day when I do so, and it is all because of someone who I can never thank enough, who is beyond description, and who I love with all my heart. I hope that when that day comes, those who follow my blog will celebrate; it will mark a new chapter in my life, one I know will be filled with all the things I have been denied for so long.
I wish you all well, and hope that if you have demons, that you find a way to slay them once and for all.

~namaste

Issues

As some of you may know, I’ve been dealing with certain issues for most of my life. For many years, I was unaware of just how serious they were; it took a special person brave enough, who cared enough, to make me aware of them, and of just how much they affected my day to day life.
Recent events drove this realization home in a way that finally woke me up to both the depth and causes of these issues, and made me realize that they were not something I could handle alone. Many times, what we perceive as setbacks, as blows to our lives, are actually an opportunity for change. it is very difficult to see that at the time; we often need to step back and allow some time to pass so we can see things clearly, and for me, this has almost always been the case, and I have spent over a month reflecting on both the causes of these issues, and their effects on myself and others.
I was one of those people that never gave any serious consideration to counseling or therapy. I felt I was smart enough, strong enough, to solve any problem that came my way, be they external or internal, and this is the mistake many make when dealing with such things. This time, however, I came to know that I needed some help, and have begun counseling in order to deal with not only the effects of my accident, but aspects of myself that have been so ingrained for so long, that I considered them simply a part of my normal self.
I urge anyone who has issues in their lives that cause them pain, or interfere with relationships, their job, or their temperament, to listen to those who urge them to seek help. Some problems simply cannot be handled alone, and need someone on the outside to help them, someone with the training and experience to listen from an objective viewpoint who can then assist in dealing with those issues. It may make all the difference in the world.

~Namaste

News and Thoughts

I’ve been sick for the last week, sicker than I’ve been for over a decade. Some kind of nasty upper respiratory/sinus/throat thing that refuses to die, leaving me to hack up chunks of phlegm the consistency of spoiled mayonnaise, and leaves me weak, unable to sleep, sweating, shaking, and wracked with coughs despite a prescription cough medication.
On the good side, the job I applied for has not been filled; the company is in their open enrollment period and very busy, and that, and one little emoticon, made my day in ways I cannot describe. I have an anger assessment appointment next Wednesday, and have decided that regardless of the assessment, I will go ahead and take the class anyway.
I’ve always been one to disagree at first, for whatever reason, but then common sense always takes hold, and I come around to seeing the truth. This is in itself a symptom, but there were two other factors that played heavily in my decision. The first, of course, is what my beautiful wife has tried to tell me in different ways for several years. The second, and easily if not more important, is that I see the changes in my grandchildren, changes brought on by the personalities of those around them, and I cannot have the issues I have be absorbed in any way by me sweet, innocent Savannah. I cannot, and will not, allow that to happen. She is the sweetest, most loving child I’ve ever known, different in her attitude than any child I’ve ever met, and I will do anything to keep it that way.
Both my wife, and my daughter, deserve better out of me. Regardless of what is transpiring now, or anything that happens later, I have to do this, both for myself, and for them. I’m so tired of dealing with the various issues I’ve had since my accident so many years ago, and from my way of reacting to things, which has likely been around since before then, a remnant of my upbringing by a controlling woman who had she been assessed, would likely be diagnosed as both histrionic and suffering from borderline personality disorder. Before the accident, this aspect was easily dealt with; the discipline of my arts gave me a high level of self-control. After my trauma, however, I was left in chronic pain, constantly, and without the continuous training to which I was accustomed, that discipline was sorely lacking.
But I want more than mere discipline or coping mechanisms. I want to rid myself of all the conditions brought on by the accident. The next step will be to address those, either at the same center or another more specialized, and to get proper medical attention for my chronic pain, which will be easily afforded once I have a position in which I can excel. I want to live the remainder of my life free of the pain and migraines, free of the periodic anxiety and stress that has plagued me for over a decade, live it in joy and wonder at the growth of my little girl, and with any luck, with my Dragonfly at my side. I The prospect of these events have left me both hopeful and even a bit excited, for the hardest step is always the first. Once taken, I can continue on that path, and make myself the best father, and husband, that I can be.

Dragonfly, wherever you are, I love you and Savannah with all my heart.

And to close, another picture of the woman who has changed my world.

The Most Beautiful Woman I've Ever Known

The Most Beautiful Woman I’ve Ever Known

My Valentine

My Special Valentine

My Special Valentine

My Dearest Savannah,
It is Valentine’s Day, and though I wanted more than anything to be able
to spend this day with you and your mother, we have been forced to
spend it apart. I’ve been sitting here all night, looking at pictures
of you both, remembering all the times we have had together as tears
fall from my eyes. I try to make them stop, but I can’t. The love I
have for you both overwhelms me, and I would gladly sacrifice more than
I already have just to hold the both of you again. Had things gone my
way, I would have given you and your mom some gift, some sign of what
you both mean to me, and done my best to make your day as sweet as the
smiles you give me. I know you are too young to read this, but I hope
against hope that maybe your mother still misses some small part of the
times we had together, and though I know better, I hope she remembers
how I used to make her feel, even if it were for a second. I want so
bad to make you both happy. It has put an ache in my heart that only
you and she can erase.
I want you to know I love you, and always will, no matter what may
happen in the future. We spent every day together for almost 2 years,
and it was never enough. I would put you to sleep at night, and even
though I may have been tired, it would only be a short time before I
would miss you, and had to resist waking you up just so I could play
with you again, so much joy did you bring into my life. Every time you
smiled at me, I could feel my heart swell with love to the point where I
could barely contain it, just as it did every time your mother smiled at
me, as it did every time either of you held my hand, or gave me the
slightest attention. I can’t tell you, or anyone else, how lonely it is
being without the ones I love the most.
I want you to know that despite everything, I love your mother with all
my heart. She is the most beautiful, creative, amazing woman I have
ever known, and no one will ever hold my heart like she does. Love is a
powerful thing, little one, and when you find the one you love, I hope
you are able to hold onto them and are never forced apart, for even
though love can take you to the greatest hearts, it also has the power
to tear you apart in ways you could not dream. Never be afraid though,
for a true love is forever, and when you find it, you will know it to
the deepest parts of your being. And I love you, little Savannah, more
than words can say. Every second apart is an eternity, spent wondering
if you are safe. Even though we are separated by many miles, you are my
Valentine, my little one, my miracle. You looked at me every day with a
love purer than anything I’ve ever known, and likely ever will. Your
mother once looked at me like that, and I wish somehow, through some act
of Divine Intervention, that I could have her look at me that way again,
and that we could be together in happiness and love. If i could cut out
the parts of me that changed her heart, I would do so without a thought,
for you two mean more to me than anything, even my own soul.
One day, you may have a little child of your own, and if you do, give
them all your love. Give them Valentines, and kisses, hold them close
and tell them how much you love them, because you never know when it
will be the last time. Give them all you can, for you do not know what
the future may bring. Live in, and appreciate, every second you have
together. I always did, even though it may not have seemed like it, and
now that you and your mother are gone, all I have are memories, and they
can never come close to what it feels like to actually be there.
I love you and miss you, my Little Valentine. Give your mother a kiss
and hug. I wish I could. Remember, your Daddy loves you and misses you.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you both. I’m thinking of you.

The Most Special Day

Dearest Savannah,

Two years ago today, you came into the world. Your mother and I went months without knowing if you would even make it into the world, and when you were born, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We lived with uncertainty every day, and the fear we would never hear you laugh, or see you smile. That we were blessed with such a wonderful, amazing little girl was, to me, a proof that miracles exist.
I’m so sorry that I cannot spend this most special day with you. I would give almost anything to see you smile again, to watch you express the wonder and joy at the world in your own special way. It breaks my heart that I don’t know where you are, or to be able to protect you as I had every day since you were born. Your Daddy has given so much, lost so much, including his freedom, to forces beyond his control, and for that, I am forever sorry. You were conceived in love, and when your mother told me she was pregnant, I felt more joy than I could ever describe.
Since then, I was with you every day it was possible. I have watched you go from tiny, helpless infant, to an amazing, sweet child who explores the world with a sense of wide-eyed wonder and who gives nothing but love and smiles to anyone willing to accept it, and it has been the most beautiful experience of my life. Every moment I have spent with you will be forever ingrained in my memory, and it is my fondest, deepest wish, that those days are not forever behind us.
You are, and will forever be, the guiding light of my life. I miss having you take my finger, and have you take me with you to play with your blocks. We would watch Mother Goose club every day, and your smile you gave me when I sang to you will be forever etched upon my memory. Whatever happens, whatever you may hear in the future, I hope you will know that your Daddy misses and loves you.
I hope your birthday is filled with laughter and smiles, and that one day, we can be reunited. I want nothing more than to see the love in your eyes that you gave me every day. You went to bed one night, after your Daddy was there every day, and then the next, I was gone. I wish I could tell you what happened, but I am as much in the dark as you; I woke one day with hope for our future, and then, within the space of but a day, everything changed.
I will always love you, my little miracle. Nothing will change that, despite whatever the future holds in store.
Be strong, be yourself, and keep sending your special love out into the world.
Daddy loves you, more than anything, and he always will.

My little Miracle

My little Miracle