Explanations (for you)

My Dearest Wife,

I’m posting this here because I feel it is too personal for a wider audience. I know you don’t like our issues to be made public (despite your willingness to share personal stuff with others) so I thought I would put them here, where there is hardly any chance of it being seen by accident.
The picture you posted on DA clearly showed some anger or animosity toward me, and I think that is very unfair. I would love it if it meant you had some romantic inclinations toward me (that would be awesome, actually, but I digress), but it seems like you are just looking for reasons to be mad at me. it’s easy to find fault if that is the case, but I don’t do that to you, and I won’t. I will, however, tell you the truth, and defend myself whenever justice demands it.
So, to that end, a bit of explanation. I don’t know why you got upset at me, but I am sure you are, and it was likely the whole radio station thing that started it, and whatever comment I may have posted there. First, and I mean this, there is no comparison in my life to what you and Savannah mean to me, and there will never will be. I don’t complain about you. I don’t bitch, I don’t ask for capitulation or agreement on finding reasons to dislike you or be mad, because all I’ve ever wanted is to love and be loved by you. I am reduced to saying it here, because of the restrictions you imposed on me, restrictions that do not apply to you, so if you ever wanted to talk to me, you could, by the way. I’ve had plenty of dark moments, and they are spent alone, missing you and Savannah. I try not to spread my sadness or grief, so I don’t talk to anyone during those times. When I do talk about you, it’s wishful and about all the reasons why I’ve loved you from the start. It’s not like you would ever see them say ‘I hate how she treats you’ pop up in messenger. So, when I said someone was an awesome human being, it’s because I knew they had been taking care of several of their family members financially, while dealing with all kinds of shit, and also volunteering to help homeless people, which included me. Since I need all my cash in order to recover from that night, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to say thank you by filling out the survey on the radio website. I honestly did not think anything would come of it, but I figured it would at least be a nice thank you gesture.
And that is it. Are you mad because I said something positive about someone? It wasn’t a dig at you, cross my heart. It wasn’t part of an agenda or plan, or anything. In fact, I’ve been racking my brain for a week about your birthday, and here you are posting pics with an angry title/byline. I swear by all that is real that I wasn’t trying to insinuate anything, or get a reaction – I was simply trying to be a nice guy. Period. Nothing further than that. If you asked anyone, including them, how I talk about you, you would get the same answer…”that man loves you like nothing else’.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: There is no one who could ever replace you. Ever. I know this to the core of my being, and will go to my grave believing it.
I don’t want to give up on us, but it seems like you want to…but if so, why the anger? Why the snarky title? Why change your DA name? Because of my tattoo? Is it meant to hurt me? Because it will, you certainly know that. It is YOUR artwork on my chest, remember?
I’ve done nothing for you to react that strongly to. I wish you would talk to me. I want to get you some things for your birthday, but with my schedule, I’ll likely won’t drop them off to the Neutral Zone/former babysitter until your birthday. I wanted to get you something that you and Savannah could enjoy/do together, so don’t get mad at me for wanting to do something for you two, please.
It hurts so much that the person I love so much, can be that mad at me over nothing, that you can be mad at me simply because I love you. I can’t believe how you could be so loving one minute, and then the opposite in such a short amount of time, but despite all that, despite everything that has happened, and all the heartache I have felt…I love you still. I am not angry. I am sad, I am hurt, but I still want what I have always wanted. To be able to love you and feel like I am loved back. Plain and simple. All I did for the last several years is try to be the perfect mate – I rubbed your back, talked with you, tried my best to give you all the attention I possibly could, both emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I worked hard at a job I didn’t always like so we could build a future together. You said I couldn’t forgive, but I always did. The only reason that it ever came up was when it was made to by it happening again…and again I’d forgive you. I always have, so why do you think this would be any different? Yes, there have been times where I’ve been hurt, been frustrated, even pissed, but never, ever, have I allowed any of that to make me love you less. So no, I don’t understand this need of yours to be angry at me now. I can and would live without the past if you could let me.
Again, please don’t blow anything out of proportion. I have honestly done nothing to be mad at me for, unless it’s because I seemed all happy in a comment. To be honest, I’m anything but – I cry on the way to and from work every day. Every…day. I barely sleep, and wake up in a panic attack every day. You can try to distance yourself from me if you want, but all it does is hurt me more. I have done nothing to try and hurt you in any way. I don’t want to hurt you – I want to have you and Savannah back, because I really think the issues you brought up aren’t serious enough to destroy our relationship over. For instance, you said you didn’t want to ‘be a Judy’ and go through what she went through with her father. The only reason he even got like that, was because he lost the woman he loved. You would never have to go through that. It is unlikely my vision will go that soon, as I plan to have cataract surgery (I won’t even need glasses after) and if I am allowed, I will stay as fit as I can for as long as I can, and you know how far I am willing to go to be there for you, how much you inspire me. I would do whatever it took.
I look at our pictures together when you discovered you were pregnant. I see how you looked at me…I remember how we were, and I don’t concentrate on the bad…I really don’t. Neither should you. There were always more good things between us than bad, whether or not you want to admit that. I always have said that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and I have done much to try and keep our relationship…because I gave you a promise, and took a vow. Those were not just words. You are not disposable, or someone I want to become just a part of my past. I want to live happily with you and Savannah. I didn’t deserve to be treated like some sort of abuser just because I wanted to show you how happy you made me. I think you were afraid perhaps, or unsure of the future, and looked for reasons to end things. It’s easier that way, perhaps. Love isn’t about easy, though. You made me fall in love with you, and it will never be the same for me. Ever. I want to make your life better…I want to see you be creative and raise our child together. Why is that wrong? Why concentrate on all the unhappy times? We have been so happy…we have been amazing, and created awesome works of art. We’ve spent nights together playing WoW and having tender moments. Can’t that be the focus? I gave you so much of myself, and I loved being able to do so…do none of those moments matter?
Yes, you are my friend…my absolute best ever fucking friend, and my lover and my inspiration…my wife. You and Savannah are my EVERYTHING. Doesn’t that count for anything? I want YOU. I love YOU. Period. I can’t go back. I can’t hate you if I tried. I can’t even stay mad at you. I just want to have a stable home, and a nice life…I want to enjoy as much time as I can with you and our daughter. I’m sorry if that isn’t what you want…maybe it is, somewhere deep inside. I keep praying, hoping, that part of you does. I want to belong to YOU. ONLY YOU. I want to give you and Savannah special memories that will last a lifetime, happy ones that you both will cherish.
I want that with all my heart, and I am still hurting that you won’t let me. I hope your heart changes, and that you can see me like you did when we met.
You are still that woman to me, and it won’t matter what you change your screen name to – you will always be My Dragonfly.

I am forever,
Your Michael