Back when we met, I was terrified of one thing – of falling in love, of giving my all, only to wind up alone, heartbroken, writing letters…like I am right now. I told you all my fears, and though part of me was extremely attracted to you (and still is), I gave you all the logical reasons we should not be together back then. You argued against them all (“That’s all well and good, but I’m going to pursue you anyway” Ring a bell?) you wore down my resistance, and over the course of the next few months, I found myself falling in love with this creative, beautiful woman on the other end of my webcam. We got married, and have a child together.
And now, I’m living through the greatest fear of my life, and for what? Why? When I see all the things you’ve said and done, when I measure them against the things you blame me for…well..the scales are nowhere near even. I have forgiven you for so many things, for all the cheating and the lies, for all the effort you went through to try and make me stop loving you, so your actions would be justified…all of it. I get nothing in return, despite the fact that for the last four years, all I’ve really tried to do was make things better for us and our little girl.
But what if we could have the life we originally wanted together? I keep asking myself that. I can’t help it. I know you want to be happy. So do I. I want us to be happy together, and I think that with a little help, we could still be.
I read the lyrics to your Song of the Day, and it occurred to me that most of the negative stuff you mention happened early on in our relationship. These past few years, I only brought up the past unwillingly, and only with the thought that I wanted things to be better. I have forgiven you for so much…I wish you would do the same for me, because when I married you, I accepted any and all of your imperfections, and loved you unconditionally.
I think you’ve always blown things out of proportion. You’ve never had to hide from me. I may have gotten upset at things, at you, but I always simply wanted to work them out and make sense of things. You went into our relationship knowing everything about me. You were even told by Kali exactly how far my temper would go – that I would never hit you, that I was intense, but in the end, it was all just venting – that I got over it fast and didn’t hold it inside. Hell, you’ve hurt me physically more than I’ve ever hurt you. I think you try to justify things to yourself, and make excuses for a lot of your actions, and that you listen to others opinions way too much when it comes to our relationship.
Think of all we have shared together in the time we have been together. We have had incredible times, and many wonderful days together. We have had mind-blowing sex, and taken amazing photographs, created beautiful works of art and made a unique, indescribable human being together.
In short, all these things show how we are meant to be together. We say the same things at the same time, and you even admitted how it seemed we were two halves of a whole. We were not meant to be ‘friends’. We were meant to be an amazing couple, and go through life together.
I think your childhood has played a large part in how you have reacted to life – especially when it comes to me, and even your other relationships. You’ve said as much yourself, in your written piece that you gave me to read when we met. I think it makes you afraid to commit to someone, because deep down, you don’t want to be put in the closet, or treated like you don’t matter, or end up feeling like I do now.
But you matter to me. You are everything to me. Do you know I can’t even go to sleep now without pretending that you are next to me? Sometimes, it even feels like you are still pressed up to me, and it’s only then that I can finally sleep. I think you reinforce your own justification in your mind in the hopes that you can convince yourself you are right.
But when it comes to us, I don’t think you are. I think inside there is a part of you that knows how right we are together, and for whatever reason, you are scared to actually attain it.
That may sound harsh, but I’ve always been truthful with you, and I don’t say it because I want to hurt you. I say it because I believe it to be true.
You have a man who would never leave you. You say I put you down, but you seem to forget all the times I have said how talented you are, how smart, how beautiful a person you are, and not just to me. I’ve never given up on you, and adore you both inside and out. I said I had won the girlfriend/wife lottery, and I meant it. I wouldn’t have married you, or had a baby with you, if I didn’t believe that to the depth of my soul. You are precious to me, and never once have I considered you disposable, or regretted giving my heart to you. Period.
The ‘honeymoon feeling’ has never left me. My heart aches for you, and I cry every day missing you. We had finally gotten to a point where we could build on something, and I was finally, after all those years with Kali, getting to where I had always wanted to be in my life, and then it all got thrown away. It wasn’t the best house, but I liked it, and I loved how Savannah liked her room, and how she was always happiest when we were both there with her. I think the Universe (fate, chance, whatever) brought us together for a reason, and I still believe that.
The only thing holding us back, has been doubt, and fear. Maybe you didn’t understand what having a committed relationship entailed, and things got too serious for you in your life. I went through a similar time, back when I found myself with two little girls that I had to raise, but I got over it, and in the end it was the right thing to do.
I think it’s easier for you now, but life isn’t about easy – it’s about doing what we can when its required of us, and gaining the rewards of our efforts in the process. Yes, we had to share our incomes and plan our day around each other, and deal with little things about each other that weren’t perfect. I accept those things, because having you, and Savannah, meant so much more than those trivial things. They became endearments, rather than irritants.
I wanted, and still want, all the bullshit of our lives to go away, and was working hard to give us a place together. I don’t regret that. I never held anything against you, and I don’t want to now. But this whole episode is just more of that – more drama and heartache, and in the end could end up hurting more than one person. I really wish you could see that our lives are more than just our lives, and that we are sometimes here for more than just ourselves. I believe I am here so that my children could have a better life, and so that I could meet you, and be there for you. I believe that by accepting that, I can finally have what was missing in my life all these years, and that if you only let it happen, that I could be what has been missing in yours.
I wish you would open your heart to me again, and that we could re-new our vows and go forward in life as if this never happened. I would do everything I could to make you happy. You know I would. You have said to me several times how perfect I was for you, how I was ‘your Michael’ (you should just marry me, you have the perfect..you know, things like that) I don’t want to believe those were all lies. I think you knew they were true then, and they could be true now.
For good or ill, we have become part of each others lives, and I want both our lives to have meaning, together. I don’t want us to grow apart. You know I never have. Anything I’ve ever had to say to you that was negative, every argument we ever had, hurt me to the core. It doesn’t have to be that way. We could use what has happened to make ourselves stronger together, if only you would forgive me like I have forgiven you. I don’t want a divorce. I want my wife. I want my child. I want a little home together, and even if I never became a famous writer or artist, I don’t care. I just want to be with my wife and daughter.
Please think about it. I never, ever, stop thinking about you and Savannah. I spent time memorizing the exact texture of your hair, your skin. I memorized your little moles and the color of your eyes, and your smile lights me up like wildfire. Please don’t throw away the years we spent together. Think of all the good we had – with even a little effort, our days could be filled with more of them.
I will love you forever, because i am…