Monthly Archives: December 2020

2021: From Bad to Worse?


Well, here it is, the last day of 2020. I’d like to say I was happy for it to be over, that I was confident the coming year will prove to be a good one for all, but that is simply not true. What I see coming is more of the same shit – both for me and everyone else impacted by the strange world we now find ourselves in. More lockdowns, more authoritarianism than you can shake a stick at, more division as the carefully orchestrated political and social engineering continues its inexorable path toward extinction of our freedom, and those on the right reveal their true sociopathic nature.
Not that the left is really any better. Biden showed his true colors today when he appointed ‘Mr. Monsanto’ as head of the USDA. This does not bode well, nor does the news he plans on trying to ‘work with’ the same sociopaths that have tried their best to help the orange idiot currently in the White House stage a coup, and who repeatedly have shown themselves to nothing but puppets for corporations and the narcissists that own and run them.
If we, as a people, do not get our priorities straight in the coming year, if we do not realize just how rotten the system has become, and begin to take steps to correct it, then things will continue to get worse. It would be nice if we could correct things, cut out the infection, before it kills the patient, but I fear things will continue to spiral until it collapses, and we will once again be forced to rise from the ashes. The powerful are taking steps to make sure only they survive, so it is in the best interest of everyone else to make sure this does not happen, in my opinion.
For me, personally, I see 2021 as a year wherein I may finish 2 or possibly three books, which is a good thing creatively, but financially, I know things will be harder, as they will likely be for everyone. I do not market my books as I should; I’m too busy writing and designing in addition to the other hats I’m required to wear, and this is not likely to change in the coming year. If anything, things will most likely be even busier, the struggle to survive harder, and the returns even more sparse.
A grim picture, overall. For me, as a victim of emotional abuse and a gender-biased and corrupt court system, I have found little to know help for the physical and mental damage that continues to plague me. Anxiety and depression are rampant these days, and for me, the abuse I suffered exacerbated both these conditions. The next year is sure to have me facing these with increased severity, and the only means I have to combat them are my creative pursuits and the company of my little girl.
Hopefully, they will be enough.
I give my best wishes to all my friends, and to the world at large, and hope they have a happier year in the coming days than what they were given in 2020. One thing is for sure – in order to have a brighter future, we will all need to work toward it.

Until Next Time –

A Narcissistic Christmas

Another Christmas.
It would have been at least somewhat pleasurable, despite the memories this and all holidays now instill in me due to the narcissistic abuse I suffered for a decade. I got to spend some time with my little one, and even though I have an extremely limited income (most going to my abuser, more salt in the wound twice a month, and a reminder of how little justice there is in our court system), I managed to get a fair collection of presents for my daughter. She was delighted to get them, and I enjoyed watching her open her gifts, one of the few pleasures I have left in this world. Had I been left alone, the holiday would have at least have had some moments untarnished by the effects I live with every day.
But of course, one of the many trademark behaviors of a narcissist is that they cannot let holidays or other special occasions pass without attempting to control the emotional reactions of their former and present victims. This behavior can range from the obvious, to the very subtle and sublime. In the case of my ex-wife, it takes the form of the latter, usually disguised as ‘friendly communication’, texts that are sent to your phone intended for ‘someone else’, and other actions that would appear innocent to those who are ignorant of narcissists, or of the particular person in question. I get to deal with both, and know the true purpose behind such – reminders of the pain, of the discard, and the ghetto rat my family was torn apart for.
Case in point, when they send you ‘innocent’ pictures of holiday gatherings, with subtle or not so subtle objects in the background. To an outside observer, this may seem accidental, but make no mistake: the narc knows exactly what they are doing. I know I should expect such behavior, and do what I can to avoid it by not engaging, but I cannot completely avoid contact, as we share a child. Even after three years, such things stab deep, and bring with it all the normal reactions I have when faced with betrayal, cowardice, and a complete lack of honor or even common sense. After all this time, the wounds still feel fresh, and likely will for as long as I continue to feel the effects, physical, emotional, and financial, that was inflicted on me by a such a creature. This will in all likelihood be for the remainder of my time here on earth, and I cannot stress to anyone dealing with these sociopaths the importance of getting out while there is still time, for the damage can be severe, even life-altering. Should they gain a foothold to the point where you become a victim, nothing and nowhere is safe. Nothing is sacred, from the vows of marriage, to the smallest of traditions or pleasures. Do yourself a favor, and get them out of your life.
Otherwise, your life could be tainted forever.

Three Years

It was three years ago today that a narcissist had me jailed for a crime I did not commit in order to get custody of my daughter, and made the court system of Virginia complicit in a multitude of crimes, including perjury, larceny, adultery, assault, battery, and general domestic abuse, and kidnapping. The experience almost killed me, and left me without sensation or mobility on my right side for six weeks.
All so she could chase after a p.o.s. ghetto rat.
I’m sure her parents and other flying monkeys are proud.
I’m certain many will find my language and attitude to be somewhat bitter. Too fucking bad. Facts are facts, and truth stands alone.
The fact of the matter is, it’s always just fine as long as the victim just continues to take the punishment, but heaven forbid if they actually stand up for themselves. This is true for both domestic abuse, and the idiots in the legislature and court system (most likely composed of narcissists themselves) who condone a gender-biased system, and write nebulous laws to feed their for-profit prison systems.
We have a serious problem in this country, a festering infection that has pervaded our society, one born of greed for money and power, and is rotting the very nature of humanity from within and without. I wish I could say this is just a phase, that I feel confident we will elevate ourselves as a society and a species, and improve the human condition, but the signs are not good. I do not think for a moment that the conditions the world is operating in now, just at the time when discontent with both authoritarianism and corporate greed was sweeping the world, a time when the human race was just beginning to wake from their enslavement, was simply a coincidence.
And before anyone wants to use the term ‘conspiracy theory’ in my direction, keep in mind I knew the term was going to be introduced into the American lexicon before it happened. No, I don’t have any confidence things will get better. Watch and see – I’ll bet money things will get worse, and due to the effective programming and social engineering taking place, most will not even know it. They’ll be more than happy to dismiss anyone who knows better, however, and do their best to serve their masters.
As for me, I’ll keep being a free-thinking pain in the ass, thank you very much, and point out the sick, twisted, corrupt shit wherever I find it. I call a spade a spade, boys and girls, and I’m going to keep doing so.
Yes, I have an attitude – the same attitude whenever anyone is victimized by these greedy, narcissistic pieces of shit, whether it is me, or anyone else. Before my life was destroyed by the worst sort of deliberate deception (one I’ll never allow the chance of occurring again), I was more than vocal in my defense against such things, and it is time to be so once again.
At least that is one part of me that wasn’t killed off in the last three years.
This is why I’m writing a book detailing my experiences with my now ex-wife, the court system, and everyone involved in the matter. And I’ll name names. Let them come for me too – they won’t like the result. Darkness never likes having the light shone upon it, and the more they try, the brighter it will get.
There’s my rant for the day. Another day to celebrate with regret, a reminder of the cause of every painful event, of the loss and suffering imposed by that fateful encounter. The day will pass. The effects never will.

Poetry Therapy

Here is a poem/song that I wrote to help deal with the effects of narcissistic abuse. The Muse insisted I share.

Never Be the Same

I sit helpless as more of me dies
A little more each day because of her lies
How long until there is nothing left?
I’ve become a victim, a wanton act of theft
Nothing but a pawn in her twisted game
I’ve passed beyond hope and will never be the same

Never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Trapped here in the dark
With things that have no name

I sit here staring as my eyes fill with tears
All those many scars, all those wasted years
Once upon a time, I thought you might be the one,
Then you tore into me, nothing left when you were done
Now I never even want to hear your name
I have passed beyond reason and will never be the same

Never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Trapped here in the dark
With things that have no name

Never be the same,
No, I’ll never be the same
You tore my heart apart
You’re the only one to blame

How many times did I fall victim to your schemes?
How many times did I sacrifice my dreams?
You left me bleeding and my heart is full of pain
I have passed beyond sadness and will never be the same

Never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Trapped here in the dark
And you’re the one to blame

I’ll never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Oh, no no no
Never be the same

There are some wounds that are difficult to heal. When I wrote this, I realized there were some things that could never be right again. Healing changes us, and sometimes, the scars are deep.


It Could Be Worse


As predicted, it’s been an eventful couple of days. I went to my emergency dental appointment yesterday, and the looks of surprise when they saw my condition was both amusing and reassuring, as they were obviously concerned. They seemed surprised to learn how many times in my life I’ve had to endure this level of pain, something I related during the preparation for the procedure.
“Not to be mean, but it sounds like you’ve had a difficult life.” the dental aide remarked.
“It is what it is,” I told her.
After half a dozen needles, and some time for the numbing agent to take effect, they proceeded to cut the inside of my jaw, which I did not feel at all. The dental surgeon then did her best to drain the abcess, and I felt that quite a bit. Not the actual draining – my mouth was too numb for that – but in order to drain it properly, she had to basically grab handfuls of my face and squeeze with all her strength, and although the numb portions felt nothing, the rest of my face felt like it was being ripped off. This lasted for about ten minutes or so, as she repeated the procedure in the hopes of lessening the swelling. The dental surgeon remarked that it ‘wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be.”
Initially, they did not want to do an extraction, as it would be ‘an extremely difficult and painful process, with level 9-10 pain for an extended time.” After the draining, they changed their mind, but I was no longer up for it. The face manhandling had been enough for one day, and so I go back in a bit to get the second half of this problem taken care of once and for all.
Still, it could be worse.
This is just another lingering side effect of my relationship with a malicious, malignant/covert narcissist. Had this happened while I was still married to her, I would have had to suffer through more indignation in the form of criticism and mockery of my condition – something I had been through on previous occasions during a decade of abuse. This is one more reason these people – and I use the word lightly – need to identified, and removed from society. They are pure toxicity, and a threat to anyone they encounter, and the court system in particular needs to be cleansed of these poisonous creatures, for they make a mockery of the tenets they are sworn to uphold, ones that form the core of our freedoms, and can destroy the lives of the most innocent. I should know, for I’ve seen it done more than once.
Fortunately, between my high pain tolerance and the effectiveness of my meds, I am still able to write, and unless the infection fails to respond to treatment, this will soon be just another painful memory among many.
But, on the upside, two of the technicians said they’d buy my book, so there’s that…

Until next time,


Update: Dec. 7, 2020


I’ve been on a creative streak of late, so naturally, something had to come along and interrupt it. Along with the many indignities I suffered while incarcerated for a crime I did not commit, the water in the facility destroyed the fillings in my teeth, and damaged them as well. This did not present any immediate danger – I’ve been busy doing what I can to rebuild my life, and my physical limitations have made this a slower progression than I would like.
This changed on Saturday morning, when I was awakened by an ache in my jaw. Thinking it was a temporary sensitivity, I took a few OTC pain relievers and went about my business. Typical Aries shit, you know?
I did my best to manage the pain, getting no sleep whatsoever that night, but by early afternoon on Sunday, the pain had escalated to beyond an 8 on the pain scale, and liberal use of Oragel, two extra strength pain relievers, and a 30mg Tramadol could do nothing to help. I discovered a swelling from the tooth to the bottom of my jaw, and scheduled an emergency dental appointment for Monday morning.
That did nothing to help the pain. So, off I went to the emergency room. By the time I reached the hospital, there was no doubt an abcess forming under one of my cracked teeth, and my blood pressure read 192/119.
They gave me a couple pain pills, an antibiotic, and a topical anesthetic, along with prescriptions for the same. Unfortunately, the pharmacy will not open until tomorrow, so the double dose they gave me in the emergency room will have to last until I can get the scrip filled. As I write this, the swelling in my jaw has grown considerably. I hope I am able to hit it with another dose of antibiotics before my appointment tomorrow.
As it is, I am beginning to resemble either Marlon Brando in the Godfather, or Joseph Merrick. The pain is manageable…for now…but there are several hours of pain ahead, then more pain, and then recovery, and I have to be stable by the coming weekend, as my little one has my attention that weekend.
Like I said. Something has to go wrong, because I was feeling way too good.
Yup. When I am chock full of pain-killers, I sometimes quote song lyrics or engage in other various types of wordplay. Sometimes they land, sometimes they don’t, and I usually am in no state to care.
Looking forward to tomorrow. I’ll give the dentist an offer he can’t refuse…
Not really.

Until next time…


Blame the Muse


As some may know, I indulge in writing (bad) poetry from time to time. Different things inspire artists in different ways – and in my case, it most often takes the form of writing. I write my bad poetry when inspired by the Muse, as I do my novels, and although I feel my poetry is ghastly in comparison to my prose, I feel the urge to share it with those who bother to follow my blog, so I’ll be posting them here from time to time.
The following poem was inspired by a person, and if said person realizes it’s about them, I apologize for the poor writing. Shakespeare I ain’t, boys and girls.
But my heart, what there is of it, is in the right place.


A shining Muse, an Angel in the North
Let your spirit flow, your radiance come forth
That heavenly smile, those verdant eyes
That shelter a spirit wounded by lies
Healing now, shining, to bathe in that grace
Lucky be the man that beholds your face
A beautiful soul among the celestial constellation,
To that being I give my love and admiration
No thoughts of possession, no feelings of lust
Nothing impure, so selfish or unjust
Just a hopeless romantic, enchanted from afar
Whose life is brighter because of what you are
May you always know love, and be able to shine
May the spirit inside be untouched by time
May you always be free, and a little wild,
May you always nurture that inner child
May you dance and laugh and love your life
May your days be bright and free of strife
May you find your way along the path
And those that hurt you suffer a warrior’s wrath
May your days be long, your love run deep
And the Goddess protect you as you sleep
May you know you will be my friend
For all the days, now until the end

~So Mote It Be

Yeah, Yeah, I know.
I know.
But, the Muse has a whip, and I gladly do her bidding.
Blame it on the Muse.