Category Archives: Personal

New Year’s Nostalgia


I find myself with a few more free moments than usual, so I thought I’d write a few thoughts that have found their way into my head during this passage into the New Year.

I cannot help but think of all the people I have known and met over the years during this time of year, and with all the warm feelings brought by the memories of all those who have helped me over time, there also naturally comes the flip side of the coin, and the thoughts of those I will never see again.

In my last post, I mentioned how I had rediscovered my love of playing music, after being gifted a copy of Rocksmith 2014 by my daughters last year.  My uncle Ken had given me his bass, a 1987 Fender Precision Lyte, a year or two before he passed away.  My uncle was the youngest brother of my mother, and only fourteen years older than me.  I think of him whenever I play the game, which is more a training course on playing an instrument than an actual game, and I find myself each time wondering how he would react to the development of technology in relation to learning instruments, having taught himself to play seven of them, and my love of the instrument he gave me.

It was uncle that inspired me to draw and paint, and though I never made this a secret, I do not think he ever understood the impact he had upon my life, and that is something I will always regret.  Whenever I play the bass, I think of how things may have been if I had tried to connect harder with a man who was forced to live much as I do now, and went through many similar experiences.  Perhaps if I had, he would still be around today.

Not a comfortable thought.

The best I can do now, is honor his memory by trying to be the best I can, and to keep it alive through playing the wonderful instrument he bestowed upon me.

I miss you, man. I wish you were still here.  I’m sure we would have grown much closer with time, had we only been given the chance.

I don’t mean this to be a dark post.  We get all caught up in making resolutions, and looking forward to the coming year, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I think we should take some time to look over our past, and learn from it, as well as giving some time to remember those left behind.  You never know how you might improve your own or another’s future.

Just some random thoughts.

Until next time,



Healing – 4 Years Later

Greetings to the faithful few,

Those who have known me over the last several years are aware of the legal and narcissistic abuse I have suffered, abuse which left me with severe chronic pain, PTSD, anxiety, and neuropathy, in addition to other issues, physical, financial, and emotional.  The total shit-show that is the justice system in this country did its best to destroy me in its never-ending quest for money and political cocksucking that has taken the place of justice, but after four years of dealing with the fallout, I believe I can say the healing process has begun.  It will be slow, to be sure, and the scars will be deep, never able to fully replace what was there before, but I after much study and work and pain, I have been able to repair some of the damage.  I’ve managed to live on my own during that time, securing reasonably good housing for myself and for my daughter on her visits, a decent job (despite its downfalls), and complete two books, projects which I hope will eventually replace my day job as my primary occupation.  I’ve made strides in this pursuit, and though the gains have been small, this progress has been therapeudic, as creativity has always been my passion, and one of the places where I am at my best. I can say with certainty that though I have not always been in the happiest state of mind, I am generally satisfied with the results of my efforts, and am happier now, despite the hardships, than I ever was during my previous relationship.

I know I will never be able to heal completely; some of the physical effects I suffer are permanent, barring miracles, but I have finally reached a point of stability to where I can begin the healing process in earnest, and I am thankful for it, as I am thankful for those who have believed in me and my journey enough to have supported me through these times.  The chance of intervention by narcissistic assholes or our corrupt system is always a possibility, but barring those things, the future seems positive for the first time in a long while.

Onward and upward from here!

Until Next Time,


Cycles – Another 4th of July

The Fourth of July was one of those holidays I liked when I was young, as most American children do I suppose. As a child, the summer holiday meant cook-outs, family gatherings (which, growing up in Maryland meant ‘crab-feast’), and fireworks, of course. I was given the full course of propaganda growing up, and for most of my elementary school education drank the ‘ain’t we great’ kool-aid. It wasn’t about until I entered middle school that l began to see more of the real world, but the enjoyment of the celebration itself remained. I enjoyed going through the ritual of seeing the live fireworks displays, and later shared that experience with my children. We would go to see the yearly displays wherever we lived at the time, and on one occasion got to see them out in the desert on what was perhaps their most enjoyable childhood vacation.
The holiday took on another aspect when I met Kali, who happened to have that day as her birthday. The celebration was a birthday celebration for both, and for those years it was almost always a joyful event. The fireworks would be the close of a full day of birthday shenanigans or other joyous activity, and were perhaps some of the best holidays since my childhood.
This all changed when I met Michelle. Every holiday, every otherwise joyful occasion, takes on a different tone in a narcissistic relationship, as does almost every other aspect of life. During that time, the holiday changed into a day of loss and longing. During this time and to the present, I have missed more of the celebrations than I have attended, and it has come to represent the darkest times and moments of a relationship that almost ended my life, and will continue to affect me on a physical level for the remainder of my days. Since meeting the now-ex, events in my life began to form a pattern, a cycle of crisis that repeats every number of years. I’ve noticed some OCD tendencies in myself, enough to where such patterns stand out, and this is one of those periods. Instead of going out to see the fireworks or going to see family, I’ll be packing in preparation to move. I don’t see this as a crisis in this case, however, but as a natural event in the process of healing, which can be a long and difficult process for survivors of abuse. It is difficult, to be sure, as like in other similar times the timing is in conjunction with other pressing matters simultaneously, but without the emotional drain and other negative factors involved with a narcissist in the picture, I can face it with a much different perspective. So, instead of it being negative, it has now become a period of intense forward mobility. A lot is going to happen over the course of this summer, including the completion of the longest, strangest thing I’ve ever written, and once done, there will be nowhere to go but up.
And maybe next year, I’ll have a reason to go see the fireworks.