Tag Archives: Personal

1 Jan

New Year’s Nostalgia

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Greetings,

I find myself with a few more free moments than usual, so I thought I’d write a few thoughts that have found their way into my head during this passage into the New Year.

I cannot help but think of all the people I have known and met over the years during this time of year, and with all the warm feelings brought by the memories of all those who have helped me over time, there also naturally comes the flip side of the coin, and the thoughts of those I will never see again.

In my last post, I mentioned how I had rediscovered my love of playing music, after being gifted a copy of Rocksmith 2014 by my daughters last year.  My uncle Ken had given me his bass, a 1987 Fender Precision Lyte, a year or two before he passed away.  My uncle was the youngest brother of my mother, and only fourteen years older than me.  I think of him whenever I play the game, which is more a training course on playing an instrument than an actual game, and I find myself each time wondering how he would react to the development of technology in relation to learning instruments, having taught himself to play seven of them, and my love of the instrument he gave me.

It was uncle that inspired me to draw and paint, and though I never made this a secret, I do not think he ever understood the impact he had upon my life, and that is something I will always regret.  Whenever I play the bass, I think of how things may have been if I had tried to connect harder with a man who was forced to live much as I do now, and went through many similar experiences.  Perhaps if I had, he would still be around today.

Not a comfortable thought.

The best I can do now, is honor his memory by trying to be the best I can, and to keep it alive through playing the wonderful instrument he bestowed upon me.

I miss you, man. I wish you were still here.  I’m sure we would have grown much closer with time, had we only been given the chance.

I don’t mean this to be a dark post.  We get all caught up in making resolutions, and looking forward to the coming year, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I think we should take some time to look over our past, and learn from it, as well as giving some time to remember those left behind.  You never know how you might improve your own or another’s future.

Just some random thoughts.

Until next time,

~Namaste

 

29 Sep

The Great Disk Disaster of 2023

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Greetings.

Well, it was only a matter of time.  Despite my best attempts at maintenance, the hard drive on my computer decided it was time to give up the ghost.  This resulted in the loss of a decade of photos, including those of my little one, as well as my manuscripts and Audible recordings for my second book, which was about 2/3 completed.  I believe it is possible to recover that data in time, but it will cost hundreds, if not several thousand, dollars to retrieve, and so will have to wait.  I did manage to rebuild the system, having a decade old backup drive, but windows 7 and my recording software did not agree, and I was forced to begin over with a new system.  This came about at around the same time my phone decided to self-destruct, so it has been a stressful couple of weeks.  I am currently back on track, however, and have begun to re-record ‘Strange Stories, Twisted Tales’.  It may be slow going, as I have to recover my various bookmarks and such in order to upload and so on, but at least now I needn’t worry about such an event again.

Hopefully.

The air quality at my latest domicile leaves a great deal to be desired; the air filters in this apartment complex need to be changed approximately every 2 weeks, and even then, can severely affect delicate electronics, a condition I am hoping to change – just one more item on the never-ending to-do list.

So, apologies for the lack of posts.  With any luck, it will not happen again for some time to come.

Until Next time,

~Namaste

22 Jul

Update 7-21

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Greetings,

Once again, time has slipped by, despite my resolution to update on a regular basis.  It seems every time I make the determination to improve my life, it responds with a series of blindsiding events, often daisy-chained in such a way as to create a catch-22 situation in which forward motion is both difficult and limited, within a short span of time.  In the last two weeks, I’ve had to deal with not having a refrigerator for over a week, two major car repairs back to back to the tune of over $1600, and three other priority legal matters, all while working a grueling, physically demanding job. It has been said I have brought these matters upon myself, but I can pretty much dismiss this as utter horseshit; I both know my life better than those making such statements. and control neither random events, the deceitful actions of others, or a rigged system designed to siphon as much money and freedom as it can from the common man.  I can, however, do all I can not to allow such situations to repeat.  When I make mistakes, I do my utmost not to ever repeat them.

While this is helpful in the long run, it does not negate or prevent the short term effects.  I have had to pause in my audio production of ‘Strange Stories, Twisted, Tales‘ in order to deal with the latest set of crises, which came as expected once I committed to my plan to increase my income and better my environment, endeavors which alone are complicated matters, much less when planned in tandem.  Still, it will not matter in the end; life can throw whatever it wants at me, and I will persevere.  It may be the irresistable force, but when it comes to bettering myself, it may find I am the unmoving object.

So, as I will have little to no time to do anything but work on creating a less stressful and more profitable and peaceful atmosphere for myself, I regret my other projects will have to be on hold for a bit.  I will, however, return to them with vigor once I am successful, and will keep those dedicated few informed as things progress.

Until Next Time,

~Namaste

 

16 Apr

Healing – 4 Years Later

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Greetings to the faithful few,

Those who have known me over the last several years are aware of the legal and narcissistic abuse I have suffered, abuse which left me with severe chronic pain, PTSD, anxiety, and neuropathy, in addition to other issues, physical, financial, and emotional.  The total shit-show that is the justice system in this country did its best to destroy me in its never-ending quest for money and political cocksucking that has taken the place of justice, but after four years of dealing with the fallout, I believe I can say the healing process has begun.  It will be slow, to be sure, and the scars will be deep, never able to fully replace what was there before, but I after much study and work and pain, I have been able to repair some of the damage.  I’ve managed to live on my own during that time, securing reasonably good housing for myself and for my daughter on her visits, a decent job (despite its downfalls), and complete two books, projects which I hope will eventually replace my day job as my primary occupation.  I’ve made strides in this pursuit, and though the gains have been small, this progress has been therapeudic, as creativity has always been my passion, and one of the places where I am at my best. I can say with certainty that though I have not always been in the happiest state of mind, I am generally satisfied with the results of my efforts, and am happier now, despite the hardships, than I ever was during my previous relationship.

I know I will never be able to heal completely; some of the physical effects I suffer are permanent, barring miracles, but I have finally reached a point of stability to where I can begin the healing process in earnest, and I am thankful for it, as I am thankful for those who have believed in me and my journey enough to have supported me through these times.  The chance of intervention by narcissistic assholes or our corrupt system is always a possibility, but barring those things, the future seems positive for the first time in a long while.

Onward and upward from here!

Until Next Time,

~Namaste

4 Jul

Cycles – Another 4th of July

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The Fourth of July was one of those holidays I liked when I was young, as most American children do I suppose. As a child, the summer holiday meant cook-outs, family gatherings (which, growing up in Maryland meant ‘crab-feast’), and fireworks, of course. I was given the full course of propaganda growing up, and for most of my elementary school education drank the ‘ain’t we great’ kool-aid. It wasn’t about until I entered middle school that l began to see more of the real world, but the enjoyment of the celebration itself remained. I enjoyed going through the ritual of seeing the live fireworks displays, and later shared that experience with my children. We would go to see the yearly displays wherever we lived at the time, and on one occasion got to see them out in the desert on what was perhaps their most enjoyable childhood vacation.
The holiday took on another aspect when I met Kali, who happened to have that day as her birthday. The celebration was a birthday celebration for both, and for those years it was almost always a joyful event. The fireworks would be the close of a full day of birthday shenanigans or other joyous activity, and were perhaps some of the best holidays since my childhood.
This all changed when I met Michelle. Every holiday, every otherwise joyful occasion, takes on a different tone in a narcissistic relationship, as does almost every other aspect of life. During that time, the holiday changed into a day of loss and longing. During this time and to the present, I have missed more of the celebrations than I have attended, and it has come to represent the darkest times and moments of a relationship that almost ended my life, and will continue to affect me on a physical level for the remainder of my days. Since meeting the now-ex, events in my life began to form a pattern, a cycle of crisis that repeats every number of years. I’ve noticed some OCD tendencies in myself, enough to where such patterns stand out, and this is one of those periods. Instead of going out to see the fireworks or going to see family, I’ll be packing in preparation to move. I don’t see this as a crisis in this case, however, but as a natural event in the process of healing, which can be a long and difficult process for survivors of abuse. It is difficult, to be sure, as like in other similar times the timing is in conjunction with other pressing matters simultaneously, but without the emotional drain and other negative factors involved with a narcissist in the picture, I can face it with a much different perspective. So, instead of it being negative, it has now become a period of intense forward mobility. A lot is going to happen over the course of this summer, including the completion of the longest, strangest thing I’ve ever written, and once done, there will be nowhere to go but up.
And maybe next year, I’ll have a reason to go see the fireworks.

~Namaste

26 Sep

A Sad Loss

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I received word that my first wife, and mother of my first two children, passed away at approximately 1 a.m. this morning. I have yet to process this, but it has affected me, and I believe it will for quite some time to come. I do know that for me, it marks the end of yet another era, another chapter of my life. Yet more of my past is now locked forever in history, and my world has become smaller with her passing.
I met Gina when I was still in high school, and she was my girlfriend from my sophomore year onward. We had our share of misadventures, as many of that age did at the time, and memories of those times come out of the dark now at odd hours to remind me of just how long I’ve been on this road. We got married pretty much right out of school, for different reasons, I suppose, although both of us being young and stupid counted for a lot of what happened after.
Yes, things went wrong. It was my relationship that blew my portfolio review for MICA, where I had pretty much been scheduled to receive a full scholarship, and this changed my life to an extreme degree. There was a great deal of misery and strife, also because we were young and stupid, and I became a work horse, doing whatever I could to support my wife and children. I hated most of these jobs, hated life a great deal of the time, to be honest, and although I grew to know our relationship was in trouble, I continued to hold onto hope until the very end. Things were made worse by my grandmother, who did not hold my wife or her family in any regard, and made things harder for us because of it.
This was made even worse after we divorced, using whatever means she could to cause more tension between us, and still being young and stupid, I did nothing to make things easier. It took another ten years for us to reconcile our past, and to begin treating each other civilly. We had done what was necessary for the children in the meantime, but it was never friendly. I resented my treatment, and it took years for me to understand how we had both been manipulated by our caregivers, and the truth behind what had happened to us. It was then that I could finally forgive her for the things she had done, and let go of my anger. In the end, we ended up creating two beautiful children together, and I came to understand that some things…are not about us; they are about greater things.
Yet, despite all the bad things that happened, all the things she may have done against me in our marriage, I know she never took pleasure in it. Anything we did, we did for reasons inspired by our youth and inexperience, for our own protection, or doing what we thought we needed to do. Neither of us ever set out to set up the other, or deliberately cause them pain for our pleasure or benefit. In short, my first wife had some flaws, as do we all, but she was not a narcissistic monster like the one that nearly killed me several years ago. She did not deserve the cancer that ravaged her for four years, did not deserve the pain and fear it brings, nor did her children or husband, all of whom are decent people who do their best to make their way in the world without hurting others. Gina never had what could be called an easy life, and I think she deserved much more happiness than what she received. I can only hope that now, after fighting a battle against that dark and insidious opponent, that she will finally know happiness and peace.
Farewell and Godspeed, Gina. Rest now, and take joy in knowing your children, all of them, love you and will miss you.
As will I.