Tag Archives: domestic abuse

Writing Excerpt – Valentine’s Day

The following is a writing excerpt from the first draft of my upcoming non-fiction work, much of which consists of private journal entries going back to the origins of my last relationship to the current day.

Valentine’s Day.  Those that know me well, know I used to be the romantic type.  I enjoyed surprising both my significant other and my daughters with reminders of how much they mean to my life, buying them gifts and taking them on adventures.  These days, however, this day only serves as a reminder of how much I have lost, of how willing my ex-wife was to tear apart our family and bring false allegations against me in order to steal away my little one.  As much as I do not want to think about it, my mind keeps turning to fact she is likely having a romantic weekend with the ghetto trash for which she went to the effort of causing so much pain to others. The injustice of this cannot be escaped, no matter how much I attempt to distract myself.  Worse, it comes with the knowledge I will never again know the pleasure of an intimate embrace, never feel my arms around a woman as I pass into sleep, will never have that empty room in my heart filled.  The realization of how much my life has been changed by the abuse I suffered, of how much it has changed me as a person, are not pleasant thoughts, and haunt me every day of my life, this day in particular.

Valentine’s Day will never be the same for me again.  Then again, nothing has been the same ever since I discovered the true extent of Michelle’s cheating, the depth of her evil intentions, and the lengths she would go to lie. Had I not been through some of the previous traumas I have experienced, I would be able to heal faster from the physical damage I experienced, but that, combined with the effects of the abuse on my immune system and general health, has all but destroyed my body’s natural healing ability, as well as my immune system.

This is bad, but nothing compares to the emotional wounds, which are fresh today as the day they were inflicted.  I have doubt I will live long enough to heal from those cuts to my emotional self, for they take longer to recover from than mere physical damage, as any victim can attest.  The combination of both – with a world pandemic thrown in the mix – has made even the simplest aspects of my life more difficult

I don’t say these things out of self-pity; it is merely an expression of truth, of how I feel, and the events which inspired them.  This negative emotional connection is now associated with so many days of the year, including all the holidays, but the fourteenth day of the month is especially hard.  November 14th is my former wedding anniversary, April 14th my ex-wife’s birthday, and then there is today.  Even after more than three years, the wounds are as fresh now as they were then.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t disparage others who are capable of enjoying this holiday, but for me, it appears it will forever be a reminder of everything that has happened and continues to happen to me as a result of abuse.  I no longer believe a normal relationship is possible in my life, and even if it is, it is not worth the risk of encountering another narcissist in my life.  This is the extent to which such toxic relationships can affect the victim, and I will always encourage anyone involved in one to get out while they can, lest they suffer possibly life-changing – or even life-ending – consequences.

Revealing Insults

Greetings,

I recently have been doing more stuff on social media again, as I try to follow any marketing path for my writing that does not involve expenditures I cannot currently afford.  i know I should stick to advertising and marketing related posts, but there are some subjects, such as narcissistic and domestic abuse, that can stir me to make a comment.  Because of my own history of being a victim of both, I will occasionally comment on the gender-bias and stigmas males face in this area.  I advise them to run, do not walk, to the nearest exit and take any and all legal steps to protect themselves.

l should know better, but…

So, naturally, whenever I make these sorts of comments, it is inevitable that some feminazi will call me an ‘incel’.  This is a revealing insult, and says much about those making it:

  1.  It says the person making the insult is offended by the notion any man can choose not to be swayed by feminine wiles.  Is that all this person has to offer?
  2.  It reveals the person does not actually believe in equality, which is always the crux of my comments, but believes in superiority.
  3. It implies that anyone suggesting men stay single in a gender-biased society is involuntarily celibate, by definition, as if they are weak or somehow inferior in the eyes of women, or have nothing to offer, which is sexist as all hell, and could not be further from the truth.
  4. It states the person is fine with double standards and inequality, as long as they can bitch about it.
  5. They show their own gender-bias in terms of domestic and narcissistic abuse; it’s okay for women to abuse men, but any man that abuses a woman is a monster.  This staggers my mind, actually.  Abuse is abuse, and equally evil regardless of gender.

And those are just the first few things to spring to mind.  It would seem to me that maybe these people may have lost a few relationships because they were emasculating bitches.  Just sayin’.

Yes, I am now a hermit.  After suffering a decade of emotional and other abuse, I chose to take myself out of the game. There’s nothing involuntary about it, and it’s not an easy choice for me, as anyone who knows me (and knows my libido) can attest.  I actually love women…a lot.  There are more than one I’ve pined for, and still do, but when your life has been devastated as mine has, the priority is repairing the damage, and making sure it never happens again.  For me, the choice was clear, if not welcome.  On the upside, however, such comments show me that I made the right choice.

Just another rant.  Thanks for reading.

Until next time…

~Namaste

A Narcissistic Christmas

Another Christmas.
It would have been at least somewhat pleasurable, despite the memories this and all holidays now instill in me due to the narcissistic abuse I suffered for a decade. I got to spend some time with my little one, and even though I have an extremely limited income (most going to my abuser, more salt in the wound twice a month, and a reminder of how little justice there is in our court system), I managed to get a fair collection of presents for my daughter. She was delighted to get them, and I enjoyed watching her open her gifts, one of the few pleasures I have left in this world. Had I been left alone, the holiday would have at least have had some moments untarnished by the effects I live with every day.
But of course, one of the many trademark behaviors of a narcissist is that they cannot let holidays or other special occasions pass without attempting to control the emotional reactions of their former and present victims. This behavior can range from the obvious, to the very subtle and sublime. In the case of my ex-wife, it takes the form of the latter, usually disguised as ‘friendly communication’, texts that are sent to your phone intended for ‘someone else’, and other actions that would appear innocent to those who are ignorant of narcissists, or of the particular person in question. I get to deal with both, and know the true purpose behind such – reminders of the pain, of the discard, and the ghetto rat my family was torn apart for.
Case in point, when they send you ‘innocent’ pictures of holiday gatherings, with subtle or not so subtle objects in the background. To an outside observer, this may seem accidental, but make no mistake: the narc knows exactly what they are doing. I know I should expect such behavior, and do what I can to avoid it by not engaging, but I cannot completely avoid contact, as we share a child. Even after three years, such things stab deep, and bring with it all the normal reactions I have when faced with betrayal, cowardice, and a complete lack of honor or even common sense. After all this time, the wounds still feel fresh, and likely will for as long as I continue to feel the effects, physical, emotional, and financial, that was inflicted on me by a such a creature. This will in all likelihood be for the remainder of my time here on earth, and I cannot stress to anyone dealing with these sociopaths the importance of getting out while there is still time, for the damage can be severe, even life-altering. Should they gain a foothold to the point where you become a victim, nothing and nowhere is safe. Nothing is sacred, from the vows of marriage, to the smallest of traditions or pleasures. Do yourself a favor, and get them out of your life.
Otherwise, your life could be tainted forever.

Three Years

It was three years ago today that a narcissist had me jailed for a crime I did not commit in order to get custody of my daughter, and made the court system of Virginia complicit in a multitude of crimes, including perjury, larceny, adultery, assault, battery, and general domestic abuse, and kidnapping. The experience almost killed me, and left me without sensation or mobility on my right side for six weeks.
All so she could chase after a p.o.s. ghetto rat.
I’m sure her parents and other flying monkeys are proud.
I’m certain many will find my language and attitude to be somewhat bitter. Too fucking bad. Facts are facts, and truth stands alone.
The fact of the matter is, it’s always just fine as long as the victim just continues to take the punishment, but heaven forbid if they actually stand up for themselves. This is true for both domestic abuse, and the idiots in the legislature and court system (most likely composed of narcissists themselves) who condone a gender-biased system, and write nebulous laws to feed their for-profit prison systems.
We have a serious problem in this country, a festering infection that has pervaded our society, one born of greed for money and power, and is rotting the very nature of humanity from within and without. I wish I could say this is just a phase, that I feel confident we will elevate ourselves as a society and a species, and improve the human condition, but the signs are not good. I do not think for a moment that the conditions the world is operating in now, just at the time when discontent with both authoritarianism and corporate greed was sweeping the world, a time when the human race was just beginning to wake from their enslavement, was simply a coincidence.
And before anyone wants to use the term ‘conspiracy theory’ in my direction, keep in mind I knew the term was going to be introduced into the American lexicon before it happened. No, I don’t have any confidence things will get better. Watch and see – I’ll bet money things will get worse, and due to the effective programming and social engineering taking place, most will not even know it. They’ll be more than happy to dismiss anyone who knows better, however, and do their best to serve their masters.
As for me, I’ll keep being a free-thinking pain in the ass, thank you very much, and point out the sick, twisted, corrupt shit wherever I find it. I call a spade a spade, boys and girls, and I’m going to keep doing so.
Yes, I have an attitude – the same attitude whenever anyone is victimized by these greedy, narcissistic pieces of shit, whether it is me, or anyone else. Before my life was destroyed by the worst sort of deliberate deception (one I’ll never allow the chance of occurring again), I was more than vocal in my defense against such things, and it is time to be so once again.
At least that is one part of me that wasn’t killed off in the last three years.
This is why I’m writing a book detailing my experiences with my now ex-wife, the court system, and everyone involved in the matter. And I’ll name names. Let them come for me too – they won’t like the result. Darkness never likes having the light shone upon it, and the more they try, the brighter it will get.
There’s my rant for the day. Another day to celebrate with regret, a reminder of the cause of every painful event, of the loss and suffering imposed by that fateful encounter. The day will pass. The effects never will.

Poetry Therapy

Here is a poem/song that I wrote to help deal with the effects of narcissistic abuse. The Muse insisted I share.

Never Be the Same

I sit helpless as more of me dies
A little more each day because of her lies
How long until there is nothing left?
I’ve become a victim, a wanton act of theft
Nothing but a pawn in her twisted game
I’ve passed beyond hope and will never be the same

Never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Trapped here in the dark
With things that have no name

I sit here staring as my eyes fill with tears
All those many scars, all those wasted years
Once upon a time, I thought you might be the one,
Then you tore into me, nothing left when you were done
Now I never even want to hear your name
I have passed beyond reason and will never be the same

Never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Trapped here in the dark
With things that have no name

Never be the same,
No, I’ll never be the same
You tore my heart apart
You’re the only one to blame

How many times did I fall victim to your schemes?
How many times did I sacrifice my dreams?
You left me bleeding and my heart is full of pain
I have passed beyond sadness and will never be the same

Never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Trapped here in the dark
And you’re the one to blame

I’ll never be the same
No, I’ll never be the same
Oh, no no no
Never be the same

There are some wounds that are difficult to heal. When I wrote this, I realized there were some things that could never be right again. Healing changes us, and sometimes, the scars are deep.

~Namaste

Gender Bias vs. Johnny Depp

Greetings all,

Well, this is going to be one of those rants where I say it just like it is, and not give a fuck about who gets offended by what, so strap in and enjoy the ride.
I’m going to start this article by stating flat out that I think the English Domestic Court system is as full of shit as it is on this side of the pond, filled with gender bias and corruption that should earn those responsible a haul over a gravel road via tow chain at fifty miles an hour, and the recent verdict in the recent lawsuit brought Johnny Depp for being accused of being a ‘wife beater’ by The Sun, a British newspaper (although from my experience with the Sun, I use that term lightly).
Now, before any of you get your panties in a bunch for whatever reason, be assured I don’t make this statement as an armchair, knee-jerk, I’m-offended-by-something-on-facebook reaction. As a victim of male domestic abuse, particularly narcissistic abuse by a sociopathic female, I know first-hand of the matters at hand. So, unless your research extends beyond a few YouTube videos or Faux News (what I call the Fox network), save your indignation. Period. I have no tolerance for any form of abuse, domestic or otherwise, but male domestic abuse is something that deserves attention.
There are more cases of male domestic abuse than any of the statistics would suggest. There are multiple reasons for this, the least of which is the social gender roles cast on men to be ‘strong’ and ’emotionally distant’, so the actual number of cases are under-reported. Most cases are not reported at all, and those that are reported are often turned around by the court system to punish the victim. These two factors are among the many that make it a tougher battle for men in domestic court than it does for women (not that women don’t face their own difficulties with a justice system that is basically a contest of who can afford the better lawyer).
The ‘metoo’ movement is an extension of this. I could go into length about my thoughts on this particular issue, but that is a subject for another article. Like most socially engineered topics, this has escalated to the point where any woman can cost a man his job through nothing more than unfounded allegations. I should note here the difference in reactions to such cases of ‘inappropriateness’. Id be interested to see the results if men raised their voice and pursued every inappropriate remark as a case of sexual discrimination, abuse, or whatever, as has seemed to be the case of late with women, but men do not react to such inappropriateness in the same fashion, which is one of many things I feel need to change.
I have been following the case of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, and my experiences with the abuse at the hands of a person with narcissistic personality disorder, along with all the testimony and information available regarding the case, looks to be a classic case of male domestic abuse at the hands of a female covert narcissist. As in my case, multiple former wives and partners testified that Mr. Depp had never gotten physical with them, and tended to suffer a high degree of patience in domestic altercations, which is an indication of the empathetic end of a typical narcissist/empath relationship. Of course, all human beings have limits, and when an empath dares to express any natural emotion in response to their abuse, such as anger, despair, etc, then the narcissist will play the role of the abused. This is a favorite tactic of these nasty, toxic creatures in court, and the court loves to just eat up their performance. Whether this is an effort to pacify those who have learned their political power, or just another line in the program of control that we call society is immaterial: this case had all the earmarks of a case of reactive abuse, and that Ms. Heard was the actual instigator.
Now, as in so many other cases, we have a man whose entire career has been impacted by the simple virtue of being male. This is a common enough occurrence where the increasingly aware population has coined its own campaigns against the illogical practice of believing all allegations of abuse by women, while dismissing any such attempts by men to defend themselves.
This case again underlines the need for more training by the courts on narcissistic abuse, and male domestic abuse in general. More experts need to be involved in the domestic court system. Until this changes, there will continue to be injustices in this arena. This is not equality, and imbalance will inevitably create a backlash. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I can see some unpleasant things in our social future is these imbalances are not corrected, and we cannot come together in terms of justice and equality.
Just a few thoughts, as this hearing affects not only Mr. Depp, but all victims of male domestic abuse.

Until next time,

~Namaste